1. Think about hot guys and rub your dick

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2. Think about your (dead?) father and rub your dick

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3. Grab, pull, and twist your balls

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4. Manipulate your clitoris in some pleasurable way (e.g. circular movements with your index finger)

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5. Stroke your cock in front of a mirror and imagine how hot it would be to finally meet a carbon copy of your handsome self

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6. Set the mood with soft jazz music

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7. Shove something huge up your butt

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8. Watch porn with a quality audio track (e.g. dialogue)

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9. Try it in the shower (note: watch for buckling knees)

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10. Find an actual partner and have real sex for once