fox news

andy pink, maplewood, canada —

aloha from outside of the usa!

i find when i am depressed (like: now) that i watch fox news, almost non-stop. i’m not sure why this is, i don’t tend to watch news very much — in fact: i don’t tend to watch much tv at all — but if i were to watch news i would normally watch msnbc. there is a bit in the book “freakonomics” about how watching talking-heads can be very soothing, and perhaps that is what is up with me. i notice that these news shows are very repetitive, they say the same things over and over again, it’s this weird force-feeding or baby-feeding — maybe: force-feeding — way of engaging with the spectator. i can’t figure out entirely what is at the root of this odd comfort, but i feel like i am wasting a lot of time and mind by watching this nonsense.

that said, when i am depressed i find it incredibly difficult to follow any narrative whatsoever. it is especially serious in relationship to visual narration, i can often read articles and books, but there is simply too much stimulation in the visual field for me to follow the storyline when i am depressed. the news is so simplistic, it’s nowhere near as complicated as something like a children’s show — especially a cartoon — which is really very sophisticated, for the most part. when depressed, for me, it is very difficult to follow a story, though i have no problem on the phone or in writing. but i have trouble following my own written words, not sure why that is, i try to edit, but none of it makes any sense.

i would really like to take abilify — restart it — but i am so frightened of weight gain and td that i refuse to do so. i’ve got a stash of it in the cupboard, but i’ll try to resist. i think i’m mostly in it for the long haul with lithium and lamictal, i’m going to try to stay away from the other stuff forever. i still take the occasional haldol, but only as needed, and i’ll try to keep from even that for the most part.

i am glad i don’t have a personality disorder, for one, that i am grateful for, but my doctor once did note that i was “eccentric,” though perhaps that would apply to most people who find themselves a manic depressive in a rather intensive therapy.

i feel like i wasted my 20s. i am preparing for my 40s.

i have a selection of fine clean polished shirts that would rival gatsby. unlike gatsby, i am more of the old money (yet also no money) type, but i find my collection of shirts to be both a source of inspiration but also the origin of demoralization. i think it has to do with not being able to wear all of the shirts at the same time. not on me, they are useless, wasted, mistaken.

school starts tomorrow. i see my doctor at 9:30, then classes from 1-3 and 3-5. i will give a lecture on the most influential work of art in the entire 20th century. it used to be the best lecture of the semester (all downhill from there) but i think other contributions are now even better. the gay course will run this semester, trial run, and i am a bit nervous about it. for one: jean genet.

i have gained 4 lbs since starting personal training.

andy pink