bed prints

andy pink, downtown city time —

frown from downtown!

i have been unable to leave my mattress for so long that i have begun to make prints in the cover of the mattress. i am a light writhe boy — i should not be making prints in this bed but i suppose i’m not tossing and turning at night — just laying, dead — and perhaps this is just a really cheap mattress. i did finally make it to coffee this morning, after several hours simply trying to manage my drooling situation, and now i am up and watching tv, though i am not paying much attention to it. i have so many regrets — just of yesterday alone! — and i’m just dead in rumination about mistakes and error, you might say: I’m so hard on myself. i wonder if this is a general feature of most depression — self-criticism — i notice that a lot of folks (a female friend of mine comes to mind) are very easy on themselves, always forgiving, always letting go, letting themselves off the hook, and so on. i am just the opposite: if i make a mistake — or even if i imagine making a mistake, which is probably more likely the case — i just go to town on myself, it’s as if i’m giving the cold shoulder (welsh expression) to myself, were that possible. my shame seeps in and i become naked and exposed to the world in all of my flaccid stupidity. and then i think about this again. and then i think about it again. and then i eat.

i’m trying to remember that eventually the darkness will pass, all of a sudden there will be light, perhaps even a light which is too bright, and that i will feel better, all the errors and the mistakes, the minor infractions of the day, will be forgiven and forgotten — or they won’t even happen, won’t register, will not become prints on my mattress.

i watched the apple event today, in bed, while eating a banana. tim cook (the ceo) reminds me of a real huckster; there always seemed something genuine about steve jobs, like he was really a true believer, the mommy to her son, loving him no matter his behavior — but tim cook just doesn’t seem to believe, he looks sheepish and embarrassed at the ridiculous, almost fascist enthusiasm, of the happy apple loyalists. i didn’t pay attention to the stream, but i saw the apple watch. i would never buy such a thing. one of the fashionable parts of the watch is its vintage and its age — at least to me — for example, i would never wear a digital watch, it has lost its (faux) antiquated look. the apple pay scheme that replaces cash and credit cards — i probably won’t participate in it. i am all for the end of currency (by which i mean the strictly marxist idea of the end of credit and debt tout court) — but paying with a bulky iphone plus seems like more of a hassle than using a card or cash. but again: antiquated and elderly, these are factors for my treatment-resistant nostalgia. at my heart, i am conservative. that apple event looked like a carnival. apple products remind me of gizmos that especially cannot deliver on their promises. disney is a bit like that too.

i raised my lithium up from 675 to 750. i feel less irritable but i feel even more depressed. my psychiatrist says that the lithium needs to be high enough (mg wise) to be preventative of depression, and he wasn’t sure if the new dosage (which is prescribed by a different doctor) would be enough. so i raised it to 750, probably will take a day or two to kick in. i definitely do not want to leave bed. i wish i could set up a crockpot and an ironing board and a shower beside my pillow but this twin xl just won’t accommodate an auxillary kitchen or bathroom. i still feel full from chinese take-out from last night. and i cancelled my personal training session from my bed this morning — just couldn’t face the jump rope at 9:30.

now i eat grapes and dream of cute idiots like rowan farrow and ryan gosling. soon i shall be redeemed.

does anyone know what anti-depressant is least likely to cause a manic episode? — (i already take lamictal and it is not a wonder drug that works wonders). i have been on wellbutrin before and i had a couple of seizures so i don’t want to retry that drug. i was on effexor before and i got a bit up and up, so i don’t think that’s an option. my docs tend to say that i am ineligible for an anti-depressant because of my tendency to fly and high, but i hope that we can work in something that would be less likely to result in damage. i don’t want to try abilify because i don’t trust anti-psychotic medications.

washington state is just such a dove this time of year. i wish i were back in omaha with my cousins and my various insurance companies.

peace for fleece (exchange), ap