"summer of rejuvenation": depression episode

the recent book, "boy delusions: memoirs in queer manic depression," has been published, mailed off to friends (selectively), and enjoyed possibly. it's longer than the other shorter little books, and it's 6x9" as opposed to 5x8" and it's also 600 pp. so it's not really readable. i like to think of it as my personal "ulysses" — and even write about it as such under the foreword and afterword by michael williams — the text is authored by andy pink on the cover and includes a rather somber picture of myself, which i guess looks a bit depressed — but i like the book even if it is mostly unreadable to others, or of little interest. it's a niche book — as is everything i tend to write — so i don't really expect an audience.

i saw a sign — a month late: take down — for an open mic for absurdist writers, i have some material, and it would have been a good performance space for me (art gallery; i used to be a curator back in my grad school days) — but in any happy event, i missed the call and so i will have to wait years for a return of some form for my absurdist (raunchy) material. the next event by this outlet is poetry, and though i do have my vagina poetry, and could probably easily generate some penis poetry, i think i will resist going, as i sort of doubt my style of poetry (absurdist, raunchy) will be en vogue for the hour.

rachel, a close friend, inspired me to return to the written word. this is supposed to be the "summer of rejuvenation" after publishing 15 books in 5 years, taking time off from both research and writing, though i have found that most of my time is spent in those activities so i'm sort of bereft of action, which i think is why i fell into really bad depression this morning (though am feeling better since the gym, and since starting to write this text) — i think i'll have to return to work this summer, as it feels a little like a loss to be without writing and research. i made a schedule for the "summer of rejuvenation" — dog park at 7, shower at 8, gym 10-12 (including walk to central for planet fitness), 2-3 river with jeff, 4-5 texts and mail, news, 5-6 dog park, 7-10 red sox game. but the in-between times are tough, i guess i could start watching tv, or t-ing around town, but no one is around during the day (and i have the sox at night), so it's mostly me with jeff, which is nice. but if i don't start writing and researching again (or at least writing), i'm not sure i'll have enough to do, even if for academics the summer is sacred and doing nothing is our perogative.

a new person moved in behind me that has a huge transgender (no triangle) flag on her kitchen window. it's really cool. i'm not sure when she arrived — i don't pay attention, except to the woodpecker — but i'll try to befriend her, though she's likely sour. the park is good: jon and jim are great, and addison and uri are fun, as is jodi and a few others. it's mostly a breakfast club for an hour (without food) and it has none of the alienation that comes with work. it's also easy to talk, with the dogs, and though i'm the funniest one, jon is also a hoot and ready to aim.

but i do feel depressed. i took 3mg of prn haldol this morning, and i'm not really sure it helped, though it's an old bottle and the active ingredient (which is hell) might be expired. we are switching from the im to the po, and i think this will be better, the plan is to taper down to an even more minimal dose, and i'm hoping that helps, esp since the reverse direction didn't really help me.

the busy on beacon has reopened and sarah and i are surely to go to it soon. westle might come in for that from jersey, it would be a celebration. america is so fucked up, it's hard to even walk down the street these days without feeling glum. maybe the depression is the exogomous reaction to our current situation. (the exogomous/endogomous distinction really doesn't hold up to even minor scrutiny.) must i feel the world so hard? thankfully the universe is not exhausted by the empirical.

happy thoughts,

wills

jeff, timid and courageous