labia fable

andy pink, tollesville, bigtown, us o a —

automatic refill is only the beginning —

i reread my last post — “off-label uses” — and i think there are a couple of points of clarification to be made, though i also think it is quite clear in its intent and message.

first: i was put on zyprexa originally for “delusions of reference” (thinking that people were sending me covert messages, all possible, in poetic or metaphorical form, in a way, a kind of generalized passive-agressiveness which is rampant in academia, not quite delusional but also not quite clear in thinking) — so, i was assigned an extremely hardcore antipsychotic medication for what amounts to literary intuition (though i was also suffering at the time). i was on zyprexa for 3 years from 2001-2004, off for a bit of my own making, then hospital, then back on, this during my graduate education just outside of pluto. my sense on zyprexa was that i was a zombie, i gained 50 lbs, i felt unmotivated and stupid, i couldn’t weave narration or be witty, i was sucked of my talents, and so on. then in 2004 (3 years after starting zyprexa) i was switched to abilify and much happier, i felt a return to form and although i didn’t lose weight i did not gain any more. abilify was good times skating on the crests of the waves. i then went off meds in 2011 and promptly went completely crazy. i was put (for the first time) on lithium — no doubt should have been on that many years prior when i was properly diagnosed as bp 1 in 2002). i was also put back on zyprexa, felt the same slide downward, 2 years later managed to tear myself away from zyprexa for good, finally settling for lithium and lamictal and the occasional haldol.

my sense of my history:

1. zyprexa ruined my talent; it kept me safe, yes, but it put me in a coffin. i did not know enough at the time that i should have demanded other options (such as the obvious: lithium).

2. i am fairly certain — without any evidence that would ever be funded by pharma or govt for the proper studies — i am fairly certain that zyprexa did not make me bipolar (i think i had juvenile bipolar) — but i do think that zyprexa made me psychotic. i think my brain got hooked on zyprexa and that without that drug i was unable to properly function. i just straight-up believe that. zyprexa gave me psychosis — at the same time as it managed the symptoms that it caused. no evidence for this theory — other than that i was never psychotic (except for my literary imagination) prior to swallowing lilly’s little white pill. i am convinced: i was not psychotic before taking zyprexa, i was utterly crazy after taking the pill. the rationalization and propaganda line is “the disease worsens over time” and “natural course of illness” and “kindling” and so on. i think i eventually got better, after i discontinued zyprexa, because of the neuroprotective elements in lithium and because zyprexa left my system and miraculously didn’t leave in its exit wake mental retardation (which it has in other cases).

3. went on abilify, felt better — still hooked to the anti-magic of antipsychotic drugs, the abilify satisfied my brain’s addiction to whatever but i was happier because it is a less retarded version of a chemical straightjacket than zyprexa.

4. finally, off zyprexa and abilify for 2.5 years and happily on lithium and lamictal with a dash of haldol whenever the world looks a bit too much like text. very happy, things good.

what i think is weird: i am now much — considerably much — more talented in virtually all ways than i was before either zyprexa or abilify. i was smart in college (before meds) — i was usually considered the smartest one in the room, also possibly the hottest — and in grad school, even after zyprexa and abilify, i was always considered the smartest and most charming. but since i’ve been off zyprexa, off abilify, and on lithium and lamictal, my talents have just completely and exponentially hit heaven. i find this inexplicable. yes, i am massively overeducated, yes, i hang out in ridiculously sophisticated circles, yes, my social conditions are such that i would become better and better at what i do — yet, i’m exceptionally abnormal at this point in terms of smarts, charm, sexiness, writing, all the stuff i usually use as my calling cards. it’s just wonderful! essentially, i have swallowed Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69 and am waiting for everybody else to suck, blow, and arrive (hence i often say that i am “from the future”). the only difference, really, is that my sense of humor has changed from laugh-out-loud to more absurdist and witty and dry — but i really appreciate the change. the one downside since taking the drugs at the start back in 2001: i never, ever laugh. ever. i haven’t laughed in 2.5 years. but in the end analysis, i am much happier making other people laugh than myself laughing. i used to fall to my knees in manic laughter at the slightest evidence of joy, not so much anymore but i now make others fall to their knees and pray: “michael, more of you, forever.”

what i think is also possible is, as i say at the end our little story (which gives a hint at some of the internal troubles with trevor) — it is quite possible that zyprexa zydis is the same as Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69 — extended release, mind you — or, you might say, tardive other than dyskensia. oh the various ironies of knowing virtually nothing!

i would also like to say:

pro meds anti zyprexa and aap for me pro whatever meds work for you anti not critically thinking about psychiatry, medication, and the world generally

anyway, i have a prostitute coming over at 4 and i’ve got to figure out how to put the fucking putty over my herpes marks in order to convince him it’s safe to go down. as i will say to him, “are you up for going down?” to which he will say, batting his eyelids, taking a second look, and pausing:

“professor?”

andy pink