new year's resolutions 2015

andy pink, riverton, south dakota —

to resolve may involve —

i am giving up butter for the new year. this will be difficult, as are all changes of variable duration, but i will prevail. alternatively, the following will happen:

january 1, drop butter

january 2, re-start cigarettes (discontinued mid-november)

january 3, drop all dairy

january 4, add cigars (first time)

january 5, re-start butter

january 6, re-start meat (vegetarian since 2009)

january 7, re-evaulate all new year drops and adds

january 8, vow to make incremental undefined “lifestyle changes”

january 9, smoke a joint but go easy on myself

january 10, prepare for 2016 resolutions

january 11, add latuda

january 12, re-drop butter

january 13, try margarine (first time)

january 14, “miscarriage day”

january 15, start putting myself first

[fin.]

i have added a half hour cardio to my 4x wk personal resistance training sessions. happily, these are off the clock. i use some variant of precor machine, and i have managed to cross ramp 15 and resistance 10 which i am told is fairly advanced for a size small (and 29/32) like myself. speaking of: has anyone tried the whole wheat pasta from trader j’s? they really have advanced in the making of whole wheat pasta over the last couple of years. the whole wheat pasta of today is not quite as state-of-the-art as 4th generation atypical anti-psychotic medications, but i give barilla (and co) a few more years and perhaps whole wheat pasta will have become the equivalent of a messianic nonaddictive benzo. we can only hope, mates!

a while back i had considered the idea of writing a collection of suicide notes. i never myself have quite been suicidal per se but i have had what could be lumped in with the inelegant phrase, “suicidal ideation.” i sometimes drop into a space which physically aches in which i am deeply frightened that i am going to commit suicide — somehow — accidentally or contingently or haphazardly, that i won’t intend or want to commit suicide but that it will happen, out of some sort of physical necessity. i usually pop a haldol in such moments and the discomfort passes. here’s a sample paragraph of a suicide note from my collection, tentatively titled “Dear Gone” —

perhaps tomorrow, my body aches.

andy