off-label uses

andy p, carleton, minn —

from the cdc to the nih to the who to the department of hhs to medicare part d to the national organization for women —

i have decided to put my textual libido in abeyance, at least for a couple of days as possible, and return to a more conventionalized discourse that would cheer the masses and heal the asses. steal the fizzy lifting drinks, and forward —

when i lived in one of the dakotas in the mid-2000s i asked my psychiatrist if he thought that vitamins would be an appropriate adjunct therapy for bipolar disorder v. 1.0. he said that he thought that vitamin b, vitamin b6, vitamin b12, and salmon oil were very popular with the masses but that an ass like me should reconsider the many off-label indications for higher doses of lilly’s zyprexa.

“if i am already taking zyprexa for bipolar 1 with psychotic features with hemlock ideation — what other off-label uses for this wonder drug could there possibly be?! can one corporation have found the roots to so many burned trees?”

to which he replied: “i simply do not understand your metaphor about roots and burned trees.”

to which james replied: “i have lost track of who ‘james’ is supposed to symbolize in the fact sheet.”

to which the figural james rejoined: “in the end, james, what matters even less than the literal/figural hierarchy is the raw affect of being triggered by a fact sheet entry.”

to which my psychiatrist said: “gotcha.”

and then the psychiatrist rattled off indicated off-label uses of zyprexa:

1. easing hang-nail pain

2. inducing geriatric pregnancy (assuming no congenital birth defects, including mental illnesses)

3. co-dependent co-morbid co-signing for any wells fargo undersigned mortgage before the housing collapse in 2008, usa

4. “it’s really good for just sort of easing the person out of a kind of congenital anal-retentiveness”

5. stimulating world peace receptors

note: in .12> of g8 nations a maintenance dosage readjustment with un peace-keepers may be required (see PI sheet)

note: the side effects of antagonism of the neoconservative dop MK 19 belt-fed automatic grenade launcher (made in the usa) receptors in the western hemisphere of the brain include: laid off lumpenproletariat who work for the local defense industry

note: side effects of western world post-defense industry surplus labor and contra-indicated pre-revolutionary anxiety can be treated with: Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69

note: Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69 can be taken while still on active duty

note: Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69 has not been approved for use in the navy

note: if you are bipolar 1 with suicidal ideation and simultaneously in the navy, you will have to consult the navy formulary and be retrialed on geodon

[sad face.]

[anger over various discriminatory practices in the pentagon over the past many years.]

[pause.]

[a kind of glee that geodon might actually be useful to someone.]

note: if you are not yet ready to reconsider your sexual orientation while on your first trial of Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69, consider the irony that you will probably be one of the very few who experience post-olanzapine induced sexual side effects

note: HIPAA does not apply to the former “don’t ask don’t tell” regulation but, in many ways, as james might point out, they are metaphors for each other

note: in double-blind triple-bullshit clinical trials Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69 was correlated with an incidence of recurring herpes in <.23 of the sample population (excluding gay men living — one might say: thriving — with hiv).

note: in the final analysis — gay or straight, navy or other branch of the service — eventually Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69 will arrive for us, the hackers will take down bank of america and citibank, and the revelry in the street will illuminate for all of us — black and white, gay and straight, marine and air force — a simple truth from the hood: mo money mo problems. we have all known this, but it will only be when Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69 is freed into the salmon waters of humanity that we will finally realize what our fathers told us: “son, always wear a condom. they’re free.”

6. “it’s the go-to drug for acute mental health emergencies”

7. i would like to say that as a user but not an abuser, i have found zydis zyprexa to be profoundly good at predicting small minor miracles that just sort of pop up — wow — throughout your day.

8. one interesting thing about zyprexa that your doctor probably won’t tell you: prefers conan to kimmel.

9. social worker: “dude, zyprexa was the first drug that fundamentally — ground-up — reorganized the sexual exploits of drug reps in-between office visits.”

10. cures herpes and other side effects associated with atypical antipsychotic neuroleptic long-term treatment for depression

**

to which james could only say: “i suppose i too am trevor.”

wearing the jockstrap but minding my own business, andy

**

then James pulled back the sheets and uttered the entirely obvious:

"Andy, Zyprexa Zydis = Zyprexa Oral Solution v. 69.”

!!!!