spoiler alert

andy pinkster, cattleville, iowa —

live from your local automatic refill call-in pick-up line dial 0 for operator test center, please hold —

as for the wellbutrin: it has been a couple of days and i haven’t noticed much of an improvement. i do notice that the pills don’t taste quite as bad as they did on day one, as i’m no longer needing to mash them into my baby formula. last night before bed, contemplating an entry here but feeling no will, i felt almost suicidal, a little of those icky thoughts about suicide, lurking, but it was not as bad as it has been. i would say, to spoil: the wellbutrin has yet to really begin. i will hope that something will take hold this weekend, but i will wait it out a good 2 wks before my next appointment, at which point i will probably recommend a move from 75 immediate release to 150 extended release. when i took it before i probably didn’t feel anything much at 300 which made the move to 450 necessary (and then seizure) which put me back down to 300. i suppose we wouldn’t go much above 150, maybe 225 or so, if the drug is to work, be safe, and be manageable, and so on. but — to no longer need gerber’s to take that bitter pill — such is a victory in these times of soiled cloths, unmade beds, and rubber sheets. america!

as for therapy, twice a week: to be diagnosed 269.69 (Bipolar 1 with Psychotic Features with Erotica Fixation) is both an embarrassment and a blessing. Embarrassing, why so? — because it takes time, tap and tap, to record these various fantasies, to catalogue these myriad adventures, to alert but spoil the reader who may wonder who will come next. But, why embarrassing? Because a life of tap and tap obscures the life of a jockstrap — such is the mediation and exchange. 269.69 is a blessing because 1) it suggests that the humble I has some say in the diagnostics and statistics of the great tomb; 2) it conjures a sense of the relationship between lonely integers and naked bodies; 3) it shows that even you too can be mentally ill; and 4) it demonstrates that mania is sexy, depression is hot, and diagnosis is foreplay. doctors will just give it away!

** day off **

i am now terribly depressed. i will try to write tomorrow. very awful here.

andy