suffering, back in stock

andy pink, downtown —

how many jockstraps does one brotha need? —

i have been away for a bit, i got somewhat busy at school, i had a really difficult therapy session (or two) this week, and i’m all about being behind in my work, late to jack off, hung over from dancing, anxious about new boys, and generally disgruntled. i would say that my stability — strangely enough — is better on the wellbutrin (at 75) but that my mood is not much improved. i have energy enough, and even focus and motivation, but i feel sort of angry and agitated and annoyed — this is probably the wellbutrin and i am hoping that these flicks will subside over the next couple of weeks. i see my med doctors on tuesday and i am going to request to move from 75 immediate to 150 er — i think it will be smoother and less intense at the er, and i think it will be more effective without inviting me to scale the wall. we’ll see. i have to first check on whether the appt conflicts with my gym schedule for the upcoming week.

writing about zyprexa has made me very sad. when i was on it in graduate school (an 8 yr period) i was on it for about 3 yrs and then happily switched to abilify when that drug came to market. but, during this period, on zyprexa and then on abilify, i was on several uppers, some simultaneously, including paxil, prozac, wellbutrin, adderall, and so on. in the end, i think it all mostly evened out and everything was basically fine except for the weight gain (which did suck but was manageable, i just became all jolly and kind). when i left graduate school and returned to my current undisclosed location (which may or may not be nyc, back bay) — i was on zyprexa but without really any uppers (and, worse, i was even on depakote, which was deadly); i was tried on effexor but that made me manic. i was slowly switched from — as i think i explained in an earlier post — from zyprexa to lithium and lamictal, and the latter has been a fine combination. i have since lost the weight, look gorgeous, and generally feel myself, even if i do find that i want to kill myself every 10 days or so. basically, things as best as they are going to be, probably.

i get down when i think about the 3 years — or so, in and out — that i had to endure zyprexa. on the one hand, i realize that it was for my safety, and i can recognize that without that drug i perhaps would be dead. that age old zen koan — “what sucks less?” — rears its insightful query at this juncture, and i can say that i may in fact be dead were it not for zyprexa. after ditching my meds in 2001 i nearly jumped in front of a subway train which i only missed because the rational homeless man who i asked: “do you think this would be a good idea?” — he calmly said, “no, i don’t think so,” very calmly, very rationally, and so i departed the station to quickly find myself dancing in front of various trucks. this is all before i ran for the democratic nomination for president in 2012 against obama (including self-made web page with donation function) — no matter, i lived to tell the tale and regret the cure. i think i probably would have done better on lamictal and lithium earlier in my career as a crazy person, but they tried me on lithium in 2007 during a 7 month impatient and i just couldn’t take the drug, i convulsed. i do believe that when i was on zyprexa in my current location i should have simultaneously been put on uppers to relieve this sag, but i also was tried on effexor and, again, i got manic. maybe this is how my life is supposed to have proceeded.

one thing i find very satisfying is: the redemption of suffering. on the signature to my posts on the boards my line is a quote from the romanian philosopher em cioran: “noise is listening to someone who has never suffered.” there is no way in which i am noise. i have earned song. the 19th c german philosopher nietzsche in his various glorious rants makes much of suffering, and makes the claim (which is so true) that joy emerges from suffering, that the agony of laugher emerges from the darkest of caskets, and so on. i think finding redemption in suffering is crucial to surviving mental illness, and i feel very drawn to christianity for reasons that are related to the redemptive qualities of torture in the good book. (i would say this is a theme in many religions of course, but i: 1) think jesus is hot; 2) think jesus is gay; 3) think jesus probably had a massive dick; and 4) my pet name for my boyfriend is “julio”) — that all remarked, i consider myself a better person, a stronger person, a fiercer person, a faster person — astonishing and unmatched, i earlier said — because of my suffering. i try not to pity much (nietzsche said it was the worst of human emotions) but i must say — i almost pity those who have never suffered. no song, sheer noise. i love those of us who have been truly crucified. my favorite holiday after thanksgiving is easter. (there is also one jewish holiday that is organized purely around resentment (a jewish symptom, according to nietzsche) that i really like, can’t recall the name at the moment.)

there is a new boy in the philosophy class that i now love quite dearly. he referred to finding a “boyfriend” or a “mate” the other day in class — i’m not sure he is gay, perhaps he was just playing to my gay and my gay examples in class, and he is not conventionally attractive, he does not dress well, but he reads and he writes and he listens and he watches — and for that, i might give him a ring. a young 28 yo man on grindr last night asked me to marry him while i was taking the trolley home alone with my iphone from the local gay dive bar. i said it was too early to tell — but in a way, i think i have a kind of textual magnetism that some men find irresistible, especially younger men. the dancing last night was ok, i need space to do my thing so 11-12:30 is my time, when it crowds out i go home. i have no need to talk to anybody. went there with the pr gay bipolar friend. he seemed to suddenly be making out with some guy at some point and i was sort of confused why i wasn’t the one being kissed because i am more attractive than him — but then i had to remind myself that there is no accounting for taste, everybody has a different type, it’s all up to the stars, and other bullshit i don’t normally believe in except as ideology to suture my wounds of insecurity.

i will speak to trevor in about 2 hrs.

i’m going to wager that white men are more likely to wear jockstraps than black men. i have no double-blind data to confirm my tentative conclusions. yet — i am still ready to prescribe!

more later after k-loz andy pink