tall dark and hiv+

andy pink, cherryland jersey —

lazy hellos from my local mobile medicaid community sexual health trainee center!

where might you be located?

i am hiv-positive that gene wilder is not dead, but on that note i would like to recall a very weird female stand-up who rose to visibility in the late 80s or early 90s (around the “comic relief” era); her name, if i’m thinking properly (ect yesterday) — her name is: rita wilson. now, am i simply thinking of tom hanks’s wife? or, is there another rita wilson who is a stand-up? — her schtick was like a female ditzy version of steven wright. same rita, different rita? in any case, to close what is certainly a cold case for gene wilder: gilda radner was never funny.

i have never endured ect but i am hoping to meet another person who has endured ect and doesn't regret it.

mostly, i have not witnessed a beautiful boy in about 72 hours. i did talk to trevor both friday night and saturday night, and though he has such a soft and generous voice, and though he could be but 19 and mature, and though he sends me his words because i was the first to edit the dictionary, and though he misses me because he never met his father twice before he met me, and though, even so — i correct his homework and she slowly affixes the condom.

such is!

i have a new project:

the project has a title, “The Parting Words Testimony.”

1. i will spend the next 6-9 months making a list of final words — parting words — that i think are possible choice phrases — final notes — upon which to depart from this world.

2. 6-9 months from now, i will write each of these sets of parting words (which may number into the several thousands) onto separate index cards.

3. i will throw these several thousand index cards into a giant salad bowl (one of those weird wooden ones, the kind that over decades invariably collects some of the oils from the dressings, no matter the suds and such of cleaning, i have one particular bowl in mind here) — the index cards of parting words will be tossed in the salad bowl —

4. at the 25th anniversary reunion of crazymeds, i will nominate a new member to reach into the wooden bowl — at exactly midnight, est — and pull out the winning final words, the living testament to The Parting Words Testimony.

granted, even when this newbie — who has yet to even introduce herself on the boards in the appropriate forum — even when the fated choice of parting words is made, a couple remaining problems to be solved before we — how to say? — part words and part worlds:

1. over-shooting. what happens if on the way to — but not yet at — the morgue i utter the winning words too soon? what happens if there is more awkward time after the parting words? what if the part doesn’t depart and then doesn’t part? then, what?

2. conditions of illness. what if at my moment of death i am delirious and bewildered — dx: dementia — and i blow the lines?

what we need: back up lines. we have winning parting words, now we need placing parting words and showing parting words. this means, in the immediate, that we need more bowls and more newbies.

and what we need: smart pills. concerta? as a supplement to smart pills, we need understudies for the role of “andy pink” at my moment of terminus — volunteers, for one? volunteers who can hold out beyond me but who are otherwise ready to go at about the same time?

thank you in advance for your help with The Parting Words Testimony. to start us off, i’ve come up with a short list of parting words:

a. “it has been really great, thank you guys for everything.”

b. “it has been great, thanks for all of your help.”

c. “it has been good, i will miss you guys.”

d. “it has been pretty good, but i think i’m done.”

e. “it hasn’t sucked, but it could have ended earlier.”

f. “the first season was good but it was all downhill from there.”

g. “the problem was when they moved it from mondays to sundays.”

h. “it was over when they brought in the new writers.”

i. “it was just plain fucking stupid once they introduced the disabled gay son.”

j. “the three-part episode about ‘depression’ was kind of stupid too.”

[beat.]

k. “maybe it wasn’t really that the show went downhill.”

l. “yeah.”

m. “maybe it was me.”

m(1). “yeah. i think it was you.”

n. “did i go wrong somewhere?”

o. “yeah. i think you did.”

p. “maybe it was my marriage.”

q. “good place to start.”

r. “in some ways even the children seem like they were a mistake.”

s. “especially sacha.”

t. “and then there was my inability to trust again.”

u. “yeah. you never really did properly recover.”

v. “i never did properly recover.”

w. “i suppose, in a way, that is why you are dying.”

x. “that is, in a way, why i am dying.”

y. “peter pan said that to die will be an awfully big adventure.”

z. “it has been really great, thank you guys for everything.”

[fin.]

i can’t wait for the sticky wooden salad bowl at the 25th reunion! we’ll just see who got the fattest from the zyprexa!

i’ve got to figure out how to get laid. or i’ve got to figure out how to pretend to get laid. or i’ve got to figure out how to write an entry tomorrow that is convincing about having gotten laid tonight. i have to figure that out.

who says freeport, maine for the 25!

it’s been fun to be clean, miss andy ssim