tumblr suicide

andy pinkster, fair falls, texas —

to whore is still a bore!

so, being quite pleased with my 3 wk blog thus far, feeling energies and talents, approaching myself as exceptional and renowned, i had decided to transfer — by inelegant cut and paste — to a new tumblr blog. no offense to crazymeds, but the tumblr site has a better layout and various other gizmos and whistles, and it seemed to be the right choice at the right time on the right meds.

my psychiatrist came to this site the other day (he doesn’t think much of crazymeds but he is familiar with the site, probably from other patients) — anyway, i had asked him to read my list of posts and so, listening to his favorite patient, he did so. of course, as per his techniques, he evaded my question of what he thought of my posts (the talents of script), but he did imply that perhaps i should take it publicly, more broadly, make it likely that more google whores — all of us, perhaps — would read it, admire it, be jealous of it, feel their own talents threatened by it, write a nasty comment about it, feel better about their inferiority with their nasty comment about it, and move on from it, smug and satisfied.

i started the process — tumblr is strangely not as “intuitive” as you might hope — and i managed to post one original post (not on this site, titled: “breakfast with gene rayburn”) and the other post was the cut and paste of my okcupid profile which is epic, talented, hilarious, sad, monumental, and desperate. i can’t tell whether anyone has read the post on tumblr (it would depend, in part, on whether denver, colorado is currently online with the rest of the earth) — but, later, i felt rather embarrassed by the effort. of course, it is anonymous (as is this blog which is written by phil franken), but yet I still felt weird. i could only conclude that for whatever reason — perhaps being a member of groucho’s schizoid club — that, i admitted to myself after some confusion, that i feel more comfortable on crazymeds (which i have lurked about and posted on for years) than i did on the world wide web (of sorts) tout court.

i am not sure whether i will delete my blog on tumblr (i do believe strongly that my vocabularies and alphabets — personal dictionary — deserve a larger audience), and yet i strangely feel that the readers on this site know me in a strange, niche, community way, and that on the big bad ghetto of tumblr it just won’t feel the same, in my pants, or elsewhere (such as in freeport, maine).

in other news:

i was extraordinary depressed last night and, even with haldol and klonopin, i came very close to calling 911 and getting to the hospital. i didn’t feel suicidal exactly but i had that oft-familiar quite awful feeling of being scared that i might actually kill myself. i didn’t go to the hospital for the strict reason of work, and although there is no way that i would have offed myself in my bed with take-out indian last night — still, to think that my job would be privileged above the integrity of my body — this is simply a sad statement on the variety of reasons that i didn’t order chinese last night.

this depression can really be strange — and what bothers me the most is that i lose absolutely all perspective, that it seems as if i have always felt like doo, that i will always feel like a syringe, almost psychotically. my psychiatrist often, in his cliched but calming way, always says that moods always pass, like the weather; wait around long enough, and before you know it the weather will be global warming rather than a nor’easter. (here in denver, the nor’easter is not always a problem, though but could i describe last night’s storm!) i waited it out, this morning i felt well enough to go off to school, i had a whopping 5-hr of classes — which is a ton in a day for a professor at the university of antioch — and so i performed well, i was funny and smart, and i spoke with both gravitas and absurdity, and, for the most part, my close-up was a money-shot. one minus: i have yet to find a cute boy in any of my classes, with the possible exception of a foreign student, who i will call “phil franken,” who is taking two classes with me this semester, possibly because of my reputation and my talents. he is cute in a dark, troubled, sad, gay (?) boy way which, if you don’t know, is a common trope of the object of desire of older homosexual parasites.

my new bipolar gay puerto rican friend, phil franken, and i are to get together on friday for dinner and a walk and then — if he has enough money, he is on social security disability — we will go dancing at a club called “lithium & cock,” it’s in a weird carved out rural trailer park in downtown denver — at club “lithium & cock,” i will dance, and mister franken will watch me. although he is for bears and chubs and i am for twinks and jocks, with no sexual tension in the mix, it is quite new for me (with the exception of a certain bill franken, now in toronto) for me to have a gay friend without desire in play. i think this is a healthy development, and i am becoming a better homosexual as days go by. one of freud’s fundamental insights is that sex and sexuality are always and necessarily — constitutively — traumatic for all persons, gay, straight, all of us. anyone who plays off, “i’m totally comfortable with my sexuality and sex” is a poser, a liar, and probably a virgin.

about mental health: i upped the recently lowered lithium from 750 to 900 and the effect will probably be: lift of depression, but with depressed talents. i hate this, but i fear that i will not be able to showtime my (moderated) capacities and my (lowered) exceptions if i am depressed (despite today’s performances). soon, my blog entries will lag, less absurdity and creativity and insight, shorter sentences, fewer thoughts, more conventional thinking, and fewer —

i realize that what i just wrote is not only a bit counter-intuitive but also simply an easy indicator of rapid-cycling.

i finally want to say tonight: denver is not as liberal as you might think. it may well be the case that american psychiatry (the dsm) did not depathologize homosexuality until 1973, but the state of colorado only legalized alcohol in 1989. isn’t that queer?

in solidarity with alcoholics, andy and the p funk