freeze dried uncertainty

andy pink, denver, colorado —

andy here —

i have decided to be mum on the patrick situation. it dawned on me this morning that the entire scene is so radically unlikely that to risk humiliating myself further — even if from a year ago — is not worth it. of course i should have moved on my now — which is perhaps the most shameful part of the escapade from my perspective, of my perspective — and so i will let it be. in a way, if he made the gesture it was courageous, but it was also cruel in a way, as it demanded a response from me without the certainty that the envelope had been opened or sealed. he would not see it that way, if only because he was in perfect embodied range to see himself.

i found this child — itty bitty, he is, a small frightened boy in the face of a massive penis — on linkedin and now have his last name which i won't bother to post. mike would be so embarrassed for me, though he would in a way feel happy that i had connected, even if in a relationship that is entirely nonexistent. i also understand that these kinds of over-cathexes are common for mentally ill folk, but i like the idea not of pining away — this is not pining away — but feeling, having the capacity to affectively engage, from a radical and alienated distance. and i like the proximity and closeness of this gap, that he is, right here in this moment as i type, by me in my presence and his presence.

i cannot quite figure out the transference. it should be with my father, but there is a way in which he has rejected me or is resistant to me — even if my father's suicide is a kind of rejection, i see this obvious point, i can't imagine that i still feel this way, and i love my father and feel close to him even if he evaporated so quickly from my life. there are dead flowers growing here, and the apartment is overrun with flys.

i would like to write something upbeat and irreverent — strictly funny — but it has all become so dead and serious, weighty and anticipatory — that i have difficulty pursuing this project. things to write about:

1. latuda

2. my shoe collection

3. my shirt collection

4. my jacket collection

5. patrick

nothing will be funny for a while, classes are so dead and serious; california university deserves better than me. i may be the smartest teacher in the bunch, and i may be the smartest person these kids have ever met, but in the end my strident defense of marxism and everything else i bother to utter is uncomfortable and boring, witless and without levity. it is so serious, like this post. i will return to form, perhaps when i go down on the lithium a bit. until then, your parting healthcare advisor —

andy pink