j ranciere and 1369

andy pink, travails, nebraska —

over at central —

i first want to confess: i sexually molested my female cat, loxxie — once — when i was young. i actually think it did damage — she later became mildly schizophrenic, was put on tranquilizers for a few months, and eventually released into the street to be hit my a car or a bicycle. does it really matter which? i feel uncomfortable with this story but, on my better days, the weeks when lithium is in check and .6 is more like .8, in those years i realize: being able to say that i molested the pussy of the pussy is damn near worth the public shame and, by extension, the death of the cat and the birth of the chicken scratch story.

1369 is loathsome. they don't take plastic which — granted: avoids the outrageous fee — but it's hard not to think that the reason they reject cards is some hipster aesthetic that is lost on people like me.

the starbucks in central absolutely blows — they aren't even decently nice in there — and the bathroom is usually out of order and/or locked and/or soiled and most definitely trans.

i don't have enough $ at my current undisclosed location — the au bon on mass ave across from the t mobile by that ridiculous globalized citizen furniture store and the shady bookstore. after doctor, i will walk from central to harvard and pick up some new glasses — the clear frames are in but the polarized won't appear until the end of the week.

i had a dream last night that involved a yellow cucumber (which are very much possible) and a diamond earring and, properly interpreted, latent to manifest, repression to desire, return of the repressed to symptom, the proper interpretation of this improper dream turned out to be: i have scared p*trick off with the website. this might be true, in which case he is not the guy for me. i would like to be friends with him nonetheless — i would like to see live shots of snowboarding and i'm going to wager that he has the queer aptitude for water skiing (which, unbelievably, i do too) — but no matter the status of our tenuous and nascent relationship: i probably won't let him touch me. if i intend to, it will involve a tense series of bi-weekly negotiation meetings involving professional arbitration consultants, jewish lawyers, and a single off-hour cop. i think if i win the negotiation of the negotiation — the rules of the engagement — then a social worker will be involved. it's always good to have someone around who you can kick around.

"you would be better at your job if you liked what you did."

i studied with jacques ranciere, the heir to louis althusser, and author of the book i am reading, "figures of history," at cornell, quite a bit of time ago, at the school of criticism and theory, ranciere is not quite a dick but his ostentatious purchases of baguettes — show-off and show-boat — were tiring, quickly, and his assault on my status as the smartest student at the school became overbearing. that said, the book is good. i will probably not use it in my work but i might rip a quote from it for an epigraph.

bacon is brewing in the kitchen here.

today's itinerary, baedeker excluded:

9:30 doctor's office

10:20 exit doctor's office

10:21 enter magazine street

[turn a couple of times.]

10:45 or so arrive at see eyewear at harvard

11:00 pick up pre-paid glasses, say hi to rob, pass on the url to him, flirt a bit, innocently, not too hard, just a kind of light touch, emphasis on my smile, check nuts situation prior (use in-house bathroom with gorgeous mirror)

11:20 red line to orange line to ula

12:15 look out for mike, he will only be in the store for another hour

2:00 work out with kate, visualize healthy abs

3:30 work at au bon pain on boylston (or office at berklee)

4:00 chat with security guards during smoke break, consider quitting, talk with gober about reasonable — but not punitive — strategies of smoking cessation, indicate my homosexuality again

6:30 group therapy on beacon hill/shrub, consider leaving the group for reasons of psychical discomfort and boredom with the cross-section of the population that make up the make up of the group

7:45 exit the building

7:45 enter the street, beacon

7:45 remember to put on ear buds and listen to the p*trick playlist (negotiable, apple radio other possible option, don't tell anyone)

7:50 walk home down california avenue, note gross new science bldg, consider eating but don't

9:00 hit the pillow

10:30 jerk off again

11:00 sleep comfortably until the rooster at 4

a to the p to the apa (american psychiatric association)

1369 — fool me once, my mom's fault, fool me twice, my fault —

now that the weather forecast has changed, i won't be able to go by the store until tuesday which is fine because i want to sleep in on memorial day (i won't be working, we're off) — anyway, i'll find a vegan burger somewhere, i promise, ma, with duty and the dire straits of calculation and strategization.

but do you know what the obvious deal-breaker is? — i don't believe in evolution and he doesn't share my philosophical and political commitments. that will do us in before anyone lets anyone touch anyone.

i took .5 haldol this morning because i am overjoyed at the prospect of our affair. it's so exciting!