dears

andy p, near lincoln, nebraska —

dear bitch in lincoln, nebraska,

first off: when i wrote the last note to you i mentioned potentially getting a drink. this is not possible because i don't drink. writing wasted, i misinformed you and, one might go so far as to say, led you on. i don't know how big your dick is — truth be told: i don't care — but what i do care about is: your personality and gender identity. are you a man? are you taller than me? are you married? do you like j.crew? do you wear j.crew? have you spent too much money over the years at j.crew? would you like to go shopping sometime in the northeast (boston) or midwest (chicago)? second off: i am completely joking and i never really liked you — even though i pretended to like you. i also now think — per the assholes at google — that you are located in kansas. go fuck yourself and get off my site. my book will be out at the end of august.

sincerely,

andy

***

dear j.crew,

first off: you have slowly ruined my life. i just ordered 16 polo shirts (half of which are basic tees) from you this morning at your advertised 30% off online sale (promo code: "weekend"). second off: could you please bring back the blond male model who was prominently featured in the fall catalog (style guide) from 1998? third off: could you please ditch the current (2014-16) asian model? he is also at club monaco and banana and he is overexposed. also: the timex branded watch i bought from you in february has a lazy seconds hand. would you mind sending me a new one, 2-day delivery? my shipping address is located on my cv (under the name "michael williams"). also: the new black male model is cute and i like the way you color coordinate given his skin color.

sincerely,

andy

ps. i'm sorry i'm late with the credit card payment again. i hope we can work out a repayment plan after i receive the watch.

***

dear mom,

i'm sorry we fought again today. most of the time it is my fault. the molly situation is 20% your fault and 80% molly's fault. thanks for depositing the money. first off: i am going to buy new furniture to seduce patrick with. second off: i paid the eversource bill though strangely got a new bill from nstar. i am looking into the difference between eversource and nstar because i suspect that they are in fact the same outfit. i bought a red sox t (holt) at the fenway store this morning but i forgot to buy you one — sorry. third off: i hope we can talk about the novel on saturday. ihop or bee?

love,

michael

***

dear trevor,

i'm over you. i think this is best. if you are finally thinking of leaving arielle, i suggest you make the move on the bitch from lincoln, nebraska (kansas). she has a big dick, supposedly. if you want my code for google analytics to do your own fucking investigation, you can have it. i'm done with the google people. first off: do you know who ionesco is? nietzsche is not the only writer who ever sucked your dick. second off: you are the kindest person i know and i love you very much and go fuck yourself. third off: you spent 2 hrs and 55 min on my site last night — thank you. was it hard to tear yourself away from arielle's cock? fourth off: blow your fucking head off. i remember you fondly and hope you die.

mic

***

dear patrick,

what do you think of the new science bldg? i really do, as i mentioned, think it's gross, but maybe it's like some form of science aesthetic. i do feel bad for those couple of offices in the j-building behind that are blocked out. but nothing will ever be quite so frightful as morse hall. i'll see you tuesday morning — quickly, by the window, passing by.

later, mike

***

dear nstar,

first off: i apologize for never having paid my bill in a year and a half. it was generous of you to keep my services on for so long. the bill is in the mail and i promise that it is possible that i remembered to sign the check — which can be a problem for me because of my mental illness.

sincerely,

andy pink

account number 1789-345-28199

***

dear eversource,

first off: i apologize for never having paid my bill in a year and a half. it was generous of you to keep my services on for so long. the bill is in the mail and i promise that it is possible that i remembered to sign the check — which can be a problem for me because of my mental illness.

sincerely,

andy pink

account number 1789-345-28199

***

dear bitch in lincoln, nebraska,

after writing to a couple of friends, and talking about our situation, i just want to let you know that i think there is something there between us — potentially, if the chemistry is right. i'm not yet prepared to be in a long distance relationship — it ended poorly with erik, for just such a reason — but, and this is provisional, i think a flyover of the midwest is possible when i next travel to los angeles. finally: i want you to know that i think you're pretty. we have a future, just like we have a present. am i crazy?!

love andy

***

dear bitch in lincoln, nebraska,

i found out from hidemyass.com that your name is linda. fucking forget it.

***

from the wickets to the wikis —

p to the a to the no fucking way,

andy