trevor, dreaming —

andy p, twin peaks, iowa —

dial 9 for resistance —

i haven't had a dream in a long time, maybe a year or more. but i had a dream this morning, while taking a nap.

it was in some kind of oldish country, with cobblestones, and little stores and cafes, but also similar to around here, a coffee shop fit in, and trevor and i were together — a couple of times — with our bodies tightly wound around each other, in embrace, on a bed, sort of intertwined and close, intimate, but we had our clothes on. it was very much not a sexual thing, it was just this closeness and tenderness, it was really lovely, and the context was his distress about his home situation, not that anything would change, or that he would want anything to change, but just that he was overwhelmed, and couldn't quite take it anymore, and we were embraced on this bed, very close to each other, wrapped up in each other, very intimate, and he was very needy and insecure, and i was trying to comfort him and be close to him. this scene occurred twice, at different locations. then at some point, when we were apart, i met my prom date, lauren, and i said to her several funny things that had occurred to me, she was a funny girl and i knew that she would appreciate them, and i can't remember all of the three or so utterances but one was, "have a nice trajectory" which we both agreed was humorous in the way it was articulated. i woke up from the dream feeling quite warm and happy, i think i was beaming in bed, and i felt so good about trevor, and close to him, it was like a gift that i had had the dream, that i felt close to him, intertwined with him, it was just lovely.

in regard to trevor, i'm not sure what "have a nice trajectory" might have meant. it was close to "have a nice life" -- but it didn't quite feel like a goodbye, with trevor, it just felt like a happy sentiment to share with him.

i thought a bit about patrick and i thought maybe that line was to be delivered to him (lauren, my prom date, was straight of course, and she went to the prom with a gay guy who was not yet out). i think in a way that it was the proper send-off to him — "have a nice trajectory" — it was a way of telling him the best, to have a nice life, and then we, lauren and i, departed and i woke up. i think i do mean that — have a nice life — and the wording, with trajectory, had the kind of sense of two academics speaking to each other, "trajectory" even has a bit of a theme of science to it, at least in my mind, "trajectory of the velocity of the mass of the hypotenuse" or something to that effect. i do wish him the best, i felt identified with him because he is in grad school and because he worked a job and clearly didn't have any money. i also did not have any money, and i also worked three restaurant jobs while i was in rochester. i do think that small event happened, i think i had it right, but i think he was simply trying to acknowledge that he was gay to the person who had called him out on it. that was it. it was not an invitation, like the psychic said, and there wasn't any way for me to respond to it. i'm sure the stickers looked just like any old stickers that any kid would put up on a post. but i do wish him a nice trajectory, and though i do feel sorry that i will not be part of that trajectory, i am happy to wish him a nice life.

i think that there is a chance for trevor and i yet. he is the first man that i fell in love with and he is the kindest person that i know. like dan, he is gay but would prefer to be straight. i think this equally applies to patrick — which would be fine — but it taints all of their subjectivities with a kind of cowardice even if it also belies a kind of reason. of the three of them, patrick's struggle is probably the most intense and for that reason is most symptomatic but also least likely to be properly resolved. and i've obviously got problems of my own. not least of which: i have gained 3 lbs since the plot.

i slept hard last night, possibly because i fell asleep in corduroy pants (which were the third leggings of the day) and a collar'd shirt. the lithium level came in at .6 (which is low) which is probably why it wasn't able to protect me from the depression all of yesterday which was intense. i cancelled with kate yesterday and this morning — perhaps because of the afterglow of the dream — but i will see her tomorrow before central and rob. saw erica today and picked up the first three; will have all of this year's pairs adjusted this week.

one of the nice parts of my signature sign plot is quite simple: he will be unable to forget me. in all of the moments that his life goes astray — and there will be those moments, several — he will have to recall an opportunity. in the end, i am sorry that my gift will be forced to include those moments of regret. they still tear at trevor, for sure, and we're still together.

the molly situation is dire; skype with pete this afternoon, and notes about 8.5 tonight —

until the sun rises in the north country —

andy: pink

cherry: fruit

it's a sad day. there is some bitch in lincoln, nebraska who is obsessed with my site. i realize that i can't figure out google analytics (thankfully) but nothing annoys me more than tracking the website wanders of patrick's ex-girlfriend. though what does bother me more: irony. i do — truth to power — loathe irony. if i'm forced to read or write a thesis, i want it genuine. i would never watch "south park" precisely for this reason. i do like "family guy" but only because kite: latex —

absurdity is the most honest tenor of the voice. you know who patrick has never read or even heard of? — ionesco. neither has trevor. but dan certainly has. if he wanted to keep up, patrick could start with the ingenious gentleman don quixote of la mancha; that would put me (and him) in proper perspective. gram read it to us when we were 9 and 5, and quite a handful — ! some of the barbara stuff is funny — wouldn't it be incredible if i were forced to endure a response by some random that described the site as "ironic" or, worse, "sarcastic" — another reason to reasonably reject homosexuality in favor of bored and pale lives with nagging girls and monstrous children —