shame and coming attractions for post-7 —

andy p, brighton, mass —

from the archives, circa, march 8:

a draft from craft for the raft of the daft —

first off — to the littlest people of the largest set —

the new site — now up and live for 3 weeks — has already garnered 467 district visitors on 11,500 page views, with a returning rate of 46% and a duration of avg 17 min. this is excellent, and it bodes well for the book, dave's site to come, and the general underground spectacle of the project come september.

[i am so depressed today.]

unprecendentingly, i have deleted the previous two posts which were assigned to patrick. i am deeply ashamed of the posts, and when i get back from teaching this afternoon, around 7, i will delve into an analysis of the wedding delusion, for this is not the first, but now fifth, time the wedding delusion has emerged, twice with jason, twice with trevor, and now once with patrick. there are several other issues at hand — unrelated — that i want to discuss, and i will only have time to do so this evening after classes, i will return here, tap a tap, with a bit of introspection and meditation rather than the play of the signifier that leaves the reader to gasp but not grasp.

[i am so depressed today.]

i am home this morning from the 5 day stint at st e's — 5 west, sometimes it is 7 west, which is a bit more of a jungle because it is double the beds. 5 west, which i had stayed with going on a year ago, normally i am on 7, 5 west was formerly a geriatric floor, so it is well constructed, calm and cool, and accommodating, a way to slow down, not heat up, dwell and nest, and wait for the monsoon to pass. i have some bits of stories to share from the 5 days — which postdate a previous 5 days — and i will offer some narrative and insight when i return to tap a tap come the evening.

[i am so depressed today.]

i want to clarify a few things re the deleted posts. normally, i would never delete a post, as i am fully in favor of any text — all text — especially those that can be used for evidentiary or pedagogical purposes, of which those two are indexed as. but i am ashamed, and so out of sheer torn ego, they are gone, unshown, and forgotten — for those who have seen me at my most delusional, with george schultz, who ran the grenada operation for reagan, who once said: "fire can only be returned with fire." the paradox, given grenada, which never fired, is that neither did i: i simply shot myself to the er at 9 min past posting.

[i am so depressed today.]

fact sheets about andy on the fact sheet:

[i am so depressed today.]

for ten years i have been anti marriage, both gay and straight, for a variety of reasons, i still am so.

[i am so depressed today.]

i would never propose marriage to patrick — or to trevor or jason, as i have in the past — not only because i am anti marriage but because i do not know patrick at all, have fabricated a bit of a weave about the man, but i understand, despite my masochistic imagination — cf. deleuze on "coldness and cruelty," which, given the way this has gone down long time, i will recommend to patrick, the text, or let him borrow my body of the book, as i think "masochism" as a text — which makes clear that masochism has no relationship to bodily pain, of which i myself have no interest — that masochism is a psychical orientation that is saturated by an "unvarnished imagination," as my psychoanalyst would say, unvarnished is teased, it sounds as if something is missing — per the female genitalia according to freud, that "the man has a penis and the woman does not have a penis," rending the woman precisely a not-man with a not-penis in her death and nothingness — but the "unvarnished" almost means that i can't see beyond the outline of my own imaginary productions and fantasmatic stipulations. one thing i vow to do: to see patrick — like i saw trevor and jason and the rest of them, eric "wonder boy," too — that i will see patrick apart from my unvarnished imagination. but this will take time, and i hope he will be patient enough to wait it out.

[i am so depressed today.]

what i do propose to patrick is: let's hang out.

[i am so depressed today.]

what i also propose is: let's have sex if you are so inclined (this is not very important to me but i am happy to oblige).

[i am so depressed today.]

what i do want to underscore, and i think honesty is crucial at this juncture: i would like to hang out, i would like to have a good time, i would like to have a little sex if you are up for going down, and i would like to see if we like one another, if you like your time with me, if i like my time with you, if we feel good about ourselves when we are around each other, and we feel a castrative something is missing when we are apart — though bearable — then, i want to promise, your giving, that i would like to take care of you for the rest of your life. i feel very strongly about this — it is based in my experience of love at first sight, make what you will — but i can only grant you this gift if you are interested in receiving it. otherwise, there is not gift, and the science museum goes on.

[i am so depressed today.]

other facts about andy's sheets:

i have very little interest in sex with patrick, i say. i would like ready access to his torso — for obvious reasons — but the sex component of this relationship — on my side — is veritably nil. i am happy to perform as he wishes — he may do anything he want to me as long as it is not physically painful — and i will oblige him to make him happy, as that is my tendency. i did this with trevor and wonder boy, and to a lesser extent jason, and i am prepared to do it for patrick with full force.

[i am so depressed today.]

i am not going back in the store.

[i am so depressed today.]

there will be no dedication of the book to him.

[i am so depressed today.]

i have very little money and can only take care of his psychical and emotional needs, and i will make him laugh even if he quickly comes to the conclusion that he is funnier than me, which is possible but unlikely.

[i am so depressed today.]

most of the contingencies here will depend on whether patrick elevates kindness to the level of das ding. it think this is possible, but also possibly not.

i wrote those two emails 9 minutes before i was in the st e's emergency room. they are null, void, fabricated, and shameful; i apologize to the general readership and anybody else who found their way to the site that evening. evidentiary and pedagogical, but to be deleted from visibility, just about now.

[i am so depressed today.]

i have to keep writing because it is the best way — symbolization — to stay in my loins and my feet rather than the stars and the sheets. if it bothers the reader, go elsewhere.

[i am so depressed today.]

i am also of the mind that my meltdown resulted from the labor to pull together this website and not from anything directly related to patrick — though i think seeing trevor the other weekend proved a bit of undoing to me.

[i am so depressed today.]

what andy is looking for:

[i am so depressed today.]

a man who wants to enjoy my magic and charisma

[i am so depressed today.]

a man who wants to cope with my mental illness

[i am so depressed today.]

on tonight's agenda, after 7, on the schizoid fact sheet:

[i am so depressed today.]

hospital shenanigans sheet

[i am so depressed today.]

5 west #1 sheet

[i am so depressed today.]

5 west #2 sheet

[i am so depressed today.]

return to classes sheet

[i am so depressed today.]

what i have recently ordered online sheet

[i am so depressed today.]

book update sheet

[i am so depressed today.]

until then,

a to the y to the p to the k — what's more you say?

[i am so depressed today.]

here's the problem:

[i am so depressed today.]

i can write to trevor but i can't write about him or around him.

[i am so depressed today.]

i can write about and around p*trick but i cannot write to him. as the deleted sheets make clear, i have no voice to him, don't yet know how to talk to him, cannot fathom an articulation to his face, and am bereft of dialogue in the face of him. this is likely due to limited conversation — it will take some time — but i will master the tropes necessary to engage. the fear that i will never be able to function normally in relationship to him — that i will always be slightly crazed — haunts me but seems improbable. what is necessary is a voice to him, a text to him. i have spent such effort spinning symbolization around and about him — to, yes — this is the key preposition in this field of praxis.

[i am so depressed today.]

but i will admit: his beauty to me is traumatic.

[i am so depressed today.]

a pinkster