dreary dayz

andy p, seattle, washington —

mike decided to change the dedication to its simplified format: 'for jonathan williams' — i think this is at the best, there is a one line reference to the death in the 'coda' to the book, and i think this is enough, it otherwise adds nothing to the book, it's not particularly relevant to the book, the penis in question in the book is mostly the mother's penis — not the father's penis — the pervert has very little interest in the father's penis or in an embodied fleshly penis, mike is certainly not a pervert, though perhaps aspires to be one, and i think it is simply best that mike keeps the oedipal father arrangement to himself, even if there is a kernel of truth to the 'hearse he rode in in on' in his relationship to his father — it can be a private family affair, not for a general readership —

i went to the gym this morning to see kate, then home to work on the book edits, it's frustrating, the design changes have not been made yet by the printers, so all of that work needs to be deferred, or has been, at least for a couple of weeks, and i have to move forward with two proofreads of the book, which will be arduous, though i have committed to simply 'reading the book' as a book, nothing special, and if i pick up on any dropped articles — an 'a' or a 'the' or other dropped elements, like a comma or a period — then so much the luckier am i and my reader. i will be so — * relieved * — when this is all over and i can move on with my happy life.

generally, my mood has been better lately. i'm not one to put much faith and hope into the drugs — it think i'm stuck with my rather diseased but brilliant mind for the remains of the dayz — but i do think the topomax and the abilify might be helping to steady the mind a bit, yet i've noticed the burner checking is getting worse, though, and it is now virtually impossible to use the stove and oven, and i think i will have to permanently unplug the box fan for the season because checking its on/off switch — or simple rotation — on the way out of the apt has become too hectic/tense for me, as a duty. i had to come back to the apt twice this morning to check the fan, after having left for the t, and it's exhausting, with worries, and the rest, and i was late to visit mike, who wasn't even there this morning at hoodlo, and by the time i saw kate, who i absolutely adore — beautiful, stunning — i was simply too worn to enjoy my time with her. i see d mann in the morning, have some issues to discuss with him, though things are smooth for the moment, despite various dramas with the book which are really just internal conversations in my head.

trevor almost had cancer; peter is defending the dissertation on the 29th; lisa is back at school starting today; haven't heard from leanne since the email kerfuffle (i have finally taken down the email from this site which apparently was the last straw in our harrowing friendship; she has spent her own many days in mental hospitals, i don't see how she comes to judge); other lisa is happy with work; dinah is back in action with jennifer; and mom is doing well; i generally miss all of my friends who are not here, but there is a new cute guy (possibly gay) teaching lit at berklee and the dept boat cruise (if it can be called that, bit of an elevated term there) is on the 11th and i'm going to try to make the move if i can muster the jeans to match the cowboy boots —

in time but not to make time,

yours — andy pink

i don't think i've jerked off all summer.