afterthoughts, on patrick

andy p, allston, massa —

from a dark place, in a muddled time, in a remorseful tone —

in retrospect, i understand that patrick's 141 was an intimate acknowledgment of his homosexuality. he could easily have played off my website with an email, such as:

"michael, i'm straight, i'm flattered, and it's fine that you come back to the store."

"michael, i'm straight, this is awkward for me, and it's probably best if you stay out of the store."

but patrick chose — after 40 min on the site after the sign post plot — the 141. to not play off the gay with an email was an acknowledgement of his homosexuality — which he doesn't care much about.

i think in the end we were looking for different things. he wanted to suck my dick and i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. reading the fact sheet, it is pretty clear that i had no interest in patrick for sex; i merely wanted to be in his presence.

the cruising of me in the starbucks is not the kind of engagement that i could possibly return. nor is a sexual relationship of particular interest to me. i don't think i would want to spend much time with a fellow faggot who wasn't fully out. and i think he wanted to suck my dick. and i didn't really want that.

i think it's a sad story.

andy