backlog, viewer mail

mister andy, fairmount, indiana —

match the stars —

i have received a bunch of msgs from the contacts page — mostly from ip addresses in boston — and i'd like to respond to them. i would send individual msgs to each of you — and invite you over for television — but not a one of you sent a valid email address — apparently not necessary to the form — and so, for the 39% return visitor rate — i offer responses here, for you.

dear 'frank,'

yes, i thank you for your interest in my sex life. no, i do not consider such interest 'pushy.' no, i do not have a boyfriend. yes, i agree that the site is a kind of self-propaganda machine. yes, i do suspect that i will be asked out on dates through the site. no, your kind words do not make it any easier to jerk off without shame. yes, the masturbation shame might be your issue. yes, it would be a good idea to work on it. no, i don't suggest talking about it with your sisters. yes, i do think i am talented in my way — several genres of text — and i hope the book further exposes the website to readers. yes, the list of yes and no questions in your msg is impressive. yes, i have so little to say to you. yes, i appreciate your writing and am sure to run into you in the future. yes, the flowers are real.

sincerely,

andy

dear 'toto,'

first off, your name is either a reference to 'the wizard of oz' or to the artist behind the magical 80s hit, 'africa.' either way, i can appreciate anonymity and try to provide it to all viewers, though i myself am fully exposed on this site. like you say, there is no closet here, all is revealed, and in a way this protects me from those who would seek to make visible the invisible in threat or intimidation. you asked about photos — yes, of course, i have more photos, but i didn't want to post pics of my friends or associates — for obvious reasons — so i only have the few of me up here. if you want more — scandalous — pics you can try me on manhunt.com or request a cock pic on grindr. are you gay? please write back as soon as possible if you are blond and/or 18-24.

sincerely,

andy

dear 'harry,'

given your text — and despite your name — i am going to guess that you are a woman. you are right, the site is strangely masculine, especially for a gay man's text, but this is mostly because i am exclusively interested in men and already have too many girlfriends. i'm not sure what it means that you asked me if i am gay — it should be obvious. are you a lesbian? i suspect you are. in that case, for further dialogue, contact me on manhunt.com or grindr. i have a series of pics up of oral dental care that are really quite amusing. i'm not one to regularly use floss — but when seeking dick for your mouth it is sometimes best to alert your partner to the pristine polish of your teeth. no, i don't have herpes. do you have herpes? can women get herpes? can lesbians get herpes? it strikes me that herpes can only be transmitted by a penis. are you bi? later.

sincerely,

andy

dear 'mike,'

unfortunately, it is not possible to directly link to amazon from this site. i suggest you type their url — http://www.amazon.com — into your browser and hit the return ('enter') key on the keyboard. if this doesn't work go to a real fucking bookstore. fuck you too.

sincerely,

andy

ps is there any possibility that you are the short, pudgy, blond mike with the eyeglasses from hoodlo cafe in jp? if not, do you know that guy and have his contact info?

dear 'linda,'

my sense is that we have met before. your msg referenced a 'broken egg in time' — what is this a reference to? if we have met, please send pic. if we used to be friends and then had a falling out, i want you to know that i keep grudges and that it is unlikely that any future friendship — or even correspondence — will work out. my friend dan thought perhaps 'broken egg in time' referred to an egg timer. if so, neat. if not, i will need further clarification. if we do know each other, and we were friends, it is likely that if i thought the 'broken egg in time' reference was funny — originally — then i probably would have remembered it. it's hard not to conclude that perhaps either the 'broken egg in time' reference was never in fact funny, at least to me, or that we do not even know each other and the reference is intended for someone else. in any case, my association to 'broken egg' is to family holidays, but i'm not going to bother to explain the context at this time. you are poetic in a peculiar way, and as a writer i can appreciate that. i hope the alimony payments come through.

sincerely,

andy

dear 'richard,'

that was lame.

sincerely,

andy

dear 'michael williams,'

thanks for checking in, dude. what do you think of the site? i'm taking most of the credit for the design — form and content — but you were a lovely inspiration for what i have done. i am a bit dismayed that you have yet to really engage with the 'fact sheet' — your name is on it too — but i am totes happy making the daily post for both of us. it's perfectly acceptable to raise the circumcision issue over contacts — in text — but i think we should still put the kibosh of discussion in person, it's painful. i know we both abjure irony, but it should be admitted that this cut/uncut issue is a cruel irony of the cosmos. as i have said, i am unwilling to have adult circumcision for you, however available such off-label use of a sterile butter knife may be, but i do advise that you work through this problem on your own, perhaps with a counselor or astrologist. you do realize that the foreskin retracts upon erection. i know you like to gaze and fondle flaccid, but in your mouth you're really going to be dealing with a free head. in any event, it's unlikely that the blue cross ppo would cover adult circumcision — even were it medically necessary which it is not — and i think dipping into barbara's college fund — however unlikely she is to be admitted to a 4-year university — is unwise and perhaps even unfair. per my mother's advice, i would never have elective surgery anyway. that is all to say, i think we should just be friends. if you want me to hook you up with 'toto' (above) who may be cut — don't know — i can probably do that. in any case, i'll see you at the shed later. don't jerk off without me.

ciao,

andy

there were several other messages that were sent exclusively through the dial 9 exit survey — these were short — and they were all traced to an ip address in san francisco. i have no real comment on the several of these msgs as they were all sexually obscene. get a fucking boyfriend, sf.

***

mike at hoodlo cafe and i had perfunctory words — at order — yesterday. for a shorter guy, it does seem unnecessary that he hunch over the counter while taking the order — not even the petit ladies make such a gesture — but he does it, with the effect that he is often looking up at the customer (in this case, me) as he takes the order. in life, as short, he must look up generally, and perhaps he hunches down over the counter in order to recreate the common habit of looking up. in any case, it is confirmed: his eyeglasses are dreamy. all that is left to know is the prescription. this relationship is naturally not going anywhere — i'm going to wager that he is straight, has never been with a guy, but has queer tendencies that perhaps have become activated in relation to me for some reason, i'm flattered. i will see him on tuesday and i will wear the purple and yellow shades for him, strictly reading in his presence.

questions that i'd like to ask mike at hoodlo cafe:

1. do you have a girlfriend?

a. if so, what is her name?

b. if not, why not?

c. if you'd rather not say, why not?

2. are you gay?

a. if not, why not? (trick question)

b. if so, why? (trick question)

c. if you have the same issue as patrick, have you meditated on a possible resolution to the problem?

3. are you happy?

4. do you have a second job?

a. if so, what is it?

b. if not, what project are you funding via the hoodlo job?

5. have you taken an interest in me?

a. if not, why are you lying?

b. if so, what is it about me that intrigues you?

c. if so, what kind of expectations do you have of me?

d. if so, do you want to hang out sometime?

e. if so, do you want to hang at the ica together?

6. what brand of eyeglasses do you wear?

a. do you have a second pair?

b. if so, can i see them sometime?

c. if not, would you like to borrow one of mine sometime?

7. is that black chick with the wide hair that you work with (who i do really like) a total phony all of the time or does she have a real — nuanced and complex — personality that she feels the need to veil at work?

a. if she is always phony, why did corrine hire her?

b. if she is not always phony, what is her real personality like?

c. would i like this real other personality even more?

d. irregardless, is she alienated from the african-american community as a whole?

8. do you have a psychiatric disorder?

a. if so, is it the same one that i have?

b. if not, would you wager that mental illness is a chemical imbalance or a personal failure?

9. what was your childhood like?

a. if good, how so?

b. if pretty good, why?

c. if just ok, are you still in touch with your parents?

d. if terrible, have you suffered enduring damage?

e. if you'd rather not talk about your childhood with me, is there someone else you'd like to talk to about it with?

10. do you want to hang out together?

a. if not, do you mind my asking why?

b. if so, do you want to hang out indoors or outdoors?

c. if outdoors, should i bring the sunscreen or will you?

d. if indoors, what is your fucking problem?

***

i got one msg from someone who claims to live on my street — brainerd, in allston — who suggested that i avoid patrick by not walking by comm on the way to tedeschi's or mcdonald's in the morning. it is true, 'sarah,' i could just walk all the way down our street, turn in by the cvs, and make it to comm and over to coffee. i am tempted to do this, but it seems a kind of weakness or cowardice, to shift my routine because of this dick. i'll just go about my business as usual: who gives a fuck? also: there are more rats on brainerd than comm — not sure why, this place is dirty any which way — and i like the company on comm in the morning. it's a lovely supplement to the story that i absolutely cannot stand the garbage caffeine at starbucks.

***

burning questions for p*trick:

1. what the fuck is your fucking deal and will you ever get over it?

2. were you at all flattered by my interest in you and my artistic pursuit of you?

3. were you impressed that i relocated you to chicago so as to safeguard your privacy — or did you entirely miss that effort in your reading of the site?

4. what is your last name?

5. why did you feel comfortable coming out to me — violently, aggressively — with your 141?

6. why exactly don't you feel comfortable being gay?

7. what was the original content of your interest in me?

8. do you realize that your friends who cover for you are not in fact your friends?

9. do you have a twin? if so, out?

10. what the fuck is your fucking deal and will you ever get over it?

***

peace all,

andy pink