andy pink wtf okcupid profile — v.2

My self-summary

my spirit carrot is the animal. i'm tried, true, and occasionally blue. i'm like a natural disaster but somehow "man made.” it ends with heroes and federal intervention. surprisingly very few people die. mostly the elderly. basically i'm equal parts elitist dickbag / populist blowhard. witty, absurdist, dry, moody. one of my characters/defaults is old man grouchy with the grandkids. about 15% really appreciate this tone. "noise: listening to someone who has never suffered." — edmund cioran, romanian philosopher

What I’m doing with my life

i write, teach, and read.

I’m really good at

I'm really good at judging people by their teeth. i'm really good at looking sexy in the fall and dressing for it. i'm really good at looking sexy in the face and narrating it. juan said i made good ice cubes.

The first things people usually notice about me

in 10th grade i won "the smoothest chest of the year" award. gary busey drummer from the police william h macy janice from the electric mayhem overheard, variously: "why is he talking so quickly?" "for who he is, he should be dressed better." "10 minutes in, not impressed." "his vibe is a hyper self-aware jason mraz. but more political." "there are still people like him left?" "why is he so nervous?" "he's funny in a way that is totally inaccessible. it would work better if he had a cute face." "he never laughs." "he could do drag, but he probably thinks he's too good for that kind of thing." [not true. about the "too good for" part. would consider if opportunity. issue: worried won't have set of common references with the other queens.] "why doesn't he ever talk to the guys?" "he is dreamy" (woman). "i'd do him. but with the lights out" (woman). "he looks like he'd probably give good head" (lesbian). “i’d fuck him if it were a weeknight” (F2M?). i've been referred to as "the comedian's comedian" which i think means you probably won't think i'm funny. i got "his play is serious" — i think this is right.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

i've dropped out of popular culture. but i'm sure there's something funny and sexy going on somewhere. my favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food are the six things i could never do without.

The six things I could never do without

i still think it was a good idea to give juan up for adoption. i think he will be better off in a homosexual family and in one in which they speak welsh. juan is the six things i could do without. this is such an incredibly stupid question. i have never read a profile that has filled this section out in a witty or impressive — or even convincing — way. this question is a trap. if you can direct me to a profile (possibly including your own) that is anyway decent, i will (consider) buying that person a fountain drink, size small. if the "six things" makes me laugh out loud, person gets slurpee, size any. if after reading the "six things" i decide to steal person's material and use it in my own profile, person can suck on my dick for 90 seconds. but i am working on my own answer to this question. it hasn't come together yet. it involves vintage j.crew catalogs. i'll keep you posted.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

giovanni ribisi. alternative endings for "schindler's list." alternative openings for "saving private ryan." what's next -- edible seals or fake butter?!

On a typical Friday night I am

pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy. pussy.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

i have acute manic depression. you haven't really died until you've stayed inpatient at a mental hospital — a lot. my nipples are sort of small and you might make fun of them. i prefer the taste of bisquick to the taste of pancakes. i'm handsome and I respond to all messages absolutely no matter what and i mean that — fuck you too.

You should message me if

you still believe that diamonds are forever. you are smart, funny, and kind. (or kind plus one of the other two.) in all honesty, i'm not hung up on looks. you have suffered. BAREBACK!!!!!!