suspension bridges and book drop; patrick, mike/chris

andy p, jersey shore —

andy is in — kiss the kin

i'm sorry, dearest readers, for my delay, i was on hiatus, a mildly holocaustal fall semester here in the back bay, but the news is in, michael's book is out, dave is pleased, and andy — me — is ecstatic, michael says he is "mostly happy" with the book and i am happy for both of them. what, if i were circumcised michael and i would be on our way to disneyland — : (

a couple of notes:

patrick, i am not so much furious that you rebuffed my advances — even though you know that i know that you were totally into me and are completely gay, stupid science jock or not — but to be banned from the starbucks around the corner from my apt for the past two yrs — walking twice morning back and forth across california avenue, two winters, mind you — why? — because of your stupid science jock homophobia and stupid biochemist jock discrimination against totally crazy mentally ill people. fuck you — the lone sticker will be up in 2 weeks when your bike returns and the semester begins — fuck you — but

i was forced to travel to charlestown to hoodlo cafe where i met — though we didn't meet and i don't know anything about him — where is witnessed mike/chris (or whatever his name might be) and so — today i dropped michael's book for him and, if he be interested in queer andy, then perhaps we will slowly — my massive intimacy difficulties with us — go to disneyland. i think writing about mike/chris so much on the fact sheet was premature — especially the discussions of his penis, which i don't even think i have any interest in, ultimately — but i wanted to alert everyone to a correction: somewhere, i think on previous installments of the fact sheet, i described mike/chris as having a "killer smile" — i now realize i can't know this because i have surely never seen him smile but — no less — i must have fantasized, as i do, this "killer smile" and perhaps a bit of a ditty i formulated to solicit the smile. i think what i meant was: i think his face is beautiful. but i'm still working on the aesthetic dimension of my crush feelings for him.

i wrote the following email to my psychiatrist yesterday, queer readers, perhaps it will open me to you, again:

i am here with chris and we are having a nice time.

i will spend the one more day working on the website and then will return to school stuff, which really needs to happen. i will come by tomorrow with the big book (they arrive later today) and if he is in — i'll straddle time morn/afternoon shifts to catch him — if he's present i'll drop the book. if he is interested, which is possible but not probable, then the website, as you will see, which only casually mentions him, only a couple of times, but enough to be recognizable i hope, if possible, the website will go some distance. i would, generally speaking, like my website to precede me. i don't feel that way about the book — michael says, "mostly happy" — though i too am mostly happy with the book.

my friend lori already ordered it off amazon. i have ordered three copies off my three amazon accounts so that i will be able to write three separate anonymous reviews of the book, 5 star, all 3.

as for patrick and the lone sticker, it is not so much a matter of punishment or retribution — which generally feel abstract to me — but it basically comes down: "don't fuck with this faggot." secondarily, it's to indicate my talents over and above my illness. i realize that these are not necessarily reason enough to relaunch strained relations, but i also feel very strongly about them (the faggot one in particular, not sure why, surprising to me) that i will do it. also, in the end, his not liking me — which he actually did — was upsetting, but it really was the logistics of having to avoid the coffee shop around the corner from my apt for 2 years and walk — 2 winters — that actually makes me angry, especially since i was banned for a medical emergency or total crazy person meltdown. i am angry about that, i stressed it less, to you, and to myself, because i made myself so happy walking by the store twice a morning, in the bitter, but it was a complete and utter nuisance, twice a morning. he will get the lone sticker — i will probably wait till school starts back up — and he knows i got the 141 and the message, and so he will know that there is a kind of payback performance of sorts on the website — you will see this too, it's quite, as you might say, spectacular.

we're going — mom, me, and stan — out for lunch for my grandmother's 101 birthday today, i think it will be good to see stan, it's been a while.

and about the book — i don't feel accomplished, though i understand the book as an accomplishment, though i probably wouldn't use that word, in general i don't feel anything re the book, a little excitement to see it on the amazon page, that was nice, but just slight relief, that it is over, no negative feeling but no real positive feeling, as for applause, i think this is probably not my real interest, as, upon meditation, i care a bit about what my mom thinks of the book (but she will convince herself that it is great no matter the quality), i don't really care much about what you think, a little, but not as much as i would have thought, i do care what dave thinks about it, i don't care really what my other friends think about, and it would be nice if a few students really liked it but i think either way it would not change much in terms of how i feel. applause seems to be overrated — at least now anyway — and i think the reason i have very little affect in relation to the book is because it is over (hence "relief") and now that i am not working on it it really is simply done. dave said he will read it, but i don't think i will — possibly in the summer, but it feels like i wouldn't want to do that even then — or for pedagogical purposes, which are unlikely, and so the book fades. but the website is a living ecosystem. i think i will consider the text/video project with dave on "a pervert's manifesto" text — which is partly posted on the site, rough draft form — but the next project is open. but the book is definitely in the past, even if i'll occasionally return to it in the classroom. i'll send you the url for the site tomorrow when the draft is done.

i hope that mike/chris likes the book — but only because i would hope that whatever he engages with he like. i suspect he might be indifferent, but that's fine too.

in other news:

molly is pregnant.

see you friday,

andy

that's it for now — i'll update you on the comcast situation in a few days if i'm up to it.

love may be overrated, but i don't think chris is.

chris ula mike boy is absolutely beautiful, i am sure of it.

love andy pink

how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

what, you don't know?