patrick, all woman.: happily ever after

andy pink, razor's edge, missouri —

for the psychiatrist's records only:

patrick was there at 6 this morning; weather permitting, the 2 stickers go up next thursday night. i'll identify an "update" to the patrick letter with the future date of that following monday — he will expect something that monday — and then I will drop by on the saturday before with the book, with my apple green headphones around my neck, blaring diana ross's "i'm coming out" and i'll whip out my iPhone and take a photo of him for the website — if he tries to duck behind the counter (or not) I'll just say, "don't make me have to get my boyfriend chris to take the shot" — it will be 15-20 seconds in the store.

no word from chris, and I've vowed not to check the analytics until feb 1st.

i won't do anything with the stickers until i hear back from chris, in the event that patrick tries to retaliate my 411 with yet another 141.

the only thing that could fuck the chris thing up is that he reads something in the fact sheet — or anywhere else on the site — that bothers or offends him; i do have an entry about eating his balls that maybe he wouldn't like — though, as a punk guy, who likes black flag, he should be down with the fantasmatic violence of sexuality.

have mailed the book to alex and my high school french teacher, scott butchart, who is in the acknowledgments. now boxed to send on saturday out with my mom for breakfast; to receive: the family of my childhood best friend, jon, whose parents live in jp; joan saab, director of the u of rochester program; tamsiin lorraine, philosophy professor at swarthmore, and peter and karen miller who are the parents of my friend sarah miller from high school, live in brookline, the father, peter, took 30 years — but did it — to earn his phd from "history of consciousness" at uc santa cruz, which is a sibling program of my own grad program.

as of today:

$0.18 in checking

$0.00 in savings

$175,000 in student loans (have never made a single payment in 11 years)

i next get paid on january 26 (approx $900)

darla the dean returned the promotion form to be signed — i got it in my box via campus mail with the article that i gave simone, which she gave to darla evidently, darla put what could only seem to be an expired (12/15) single ticket to the mommys are coming exhibit at the mfa. but i assume that it was a ticket with a different signified; looks good, for me, though it probably won't make a difference in terms of salary; i might be able to renegotiate for 10% but i make about $46,000 total, so even a 7-10% raise isn't going to be enough; i will have to eventually leave.

see you at 9:15,

michael

i would think Operation 141 would be of such satisfaction to you.

***

it strikes me that perhaps you had underestimated my talents all along — that you knew i was smart and wise — but that you were genuinely taken aback by what high quality the book was. it doesn't just strike me that way — i think it most definitely is that way, which should be a source of embarrassment for both of us, that you didn't know what you were dealing with, quite. i will likely not mention this in session but i may write about it. and you must admit i handled the transference issue around the book rather smartly. you looked so angry while i went on and on about music, affect, dance, sound, lyrics, and so on, and didn't rise to the charge of inadequacy in regards to (a)sex and the two boys. that said, you did nail the right section in the book of the dissolution of the meaning that i had talked about: but how could i possibly know what sex between chris and me will be like, in the future? thanks again for closely reading the book, it is very much appreciated.

all of that said, i am well aware of the flaws in the book; it will be judged by kirkus reviews come february (which will take 3-4 months) and then by prospective publishers, if the review is positive, which is possible and perhaps even probable.

if it is picked up by a publisher, i imagine the time frame will be 2 years, which gets me to associate before i apply elsewhere.

mic

***

i'm cancelling for next friday. i'll keep you posted via email about chris.

it's hard not to check the analytics but i'm going to try to refrain.

mic

just heads up:

if i end up with chris — which may or may not happen, maybe more unlikely than likely, but i don't know — if I end up with chris and it seems to work out i'll probably terminate treatment. after that, it will probably take 3-4 months for me to pay off the bill in full.

***

if you felt insulted by my email about your underestimating my abilities, my apologies, certainly not my intention. i think i'm right, though, and i think also that it is embarrassing for both of us — for me, because i obviously haven't been impressive orally and in session the way i am in writing; and for you, because there is something humbling about being confronted with underestimating another's ability. but this wasn't meant as a criticism and certainly not an attack — it was just to relate a bit of the (counter)transference as seen from my end of the room.

your attack on my jugular — that i know the titles of the books but i haven't read them — is unfair because that game is rigged against the patient at the start. you know all of my heels, and i don't know any of yours, even if over 6-7 years i might be able to suss out or imagine a few. you win that game not because you are older, wiser, sharper, nastier, smarter, or whatever — you win simply because i'm defenseless, without any heel to go for on your end of the room. i could've mentioned something about how your adult daughter lives at home with you and how you must in part feel like a failed single parent — as my mother must feel about me sometimes — but i don't do that, even if i just did, because i'm not that kind of person. i don't want to be that kind of person. my friends aren't those types — lisa, leanne, peter, trevor, dan — none of them is that type. i don't like that type. i don't want to be near that type. that's the reason things didn't work out with janet. i don't want it to rub off on me.

in the end, you are that kind of person, you're that type, i think. even if the analyst's role is somewhat of an act and a con, after 6-7 years i have a sense of you — you're that type. i don't want to be around it, i don't want it to rub off on me. this is primarily the reason that i have tried to quit therapy over the course of treatment. it's in part that it hurts, that i suffer for it, but it is also that i actively don't want to learn it and be around it.

i think the therapy has been quite successful — i have published my book, lost weight, excelled at my job, feel more confident at times, and maybe will get a boyfriend, though probably not — i thank you for your efforts in that regard. i can see that perhaps there is some technique (that i wouldn't know) about insulting the patient and then that stiffening them against attack in the world. but even were that true, i still don't want to be treated that way, and i've said so for 6-7 years now. i think withholding applause and cheers is perfectly acceptable — annoying, frustrating, but not destructive — but i do think, the layman in me, that insults and going for the jugular are just destructive, period, especially since i am defenseless given the structure of the analytic arrangement.

so, i'll see you in 2 weeks, probably chris will be long out of my life, patrick will be haunting me and threatening me, and classes will be fine. but if it seems to perhaps possibly be working out with chris, if there is real feedback, as you would say, then i think i would want to terminate treatment, which i have contemplated doing for some time now anyway. i realize that i will have many new and fabulous problems and difficulties if i'm with chris — which again is perhaps unlikely — but i think at that point i might seek out a therapist or social worker type who just wants to talk gossip.

again, my apologies if my email offended you, certainly not my intention. like i said in a previous email, your reading the book meant a lot to me as did your cheers, truly.

i do think the website is a winner.

michael

* i just received your email, ok.

***

just passed them off the side street of the starbucks, had my big apple green headphones and big salad green shades on, when i passed her on the sidewalk as she was cheering him on (he was in the street doing some masculine tricks on his board) — i spit quite a load about a foot from her toe. no words, just listening to music. just soon, it will be moved up to tonight —

***

the stickers go up tonight; book mailed tomorrow morning to the shop: manager + patrick, barista

mic

***

i think in the end that this will not work out, i have very negative feelings now, moving in. i think he would know perhaps to not email me before sunday, or even monday, but if i don't hear from him by monday night, i will know that it is a nay, in which case i would not go back to the store, which is fine. it is a good faith effort, well performed, well executed, but perhaps ultimately a failure even in its stunning success. i would say that the website is better than the book, and i am aware that the book is high quality. i would say that together the book and the website totally and completely articulate my subjectivity — that you would know, in investment in those objects, what you were getting with me; it is a complete profile. he will just have to decide whether he wants it, and i now think there is a good chance he won't, not based on much evidence. he already knows whether he is in love with me, and he even knows whether he has cause to be in love with me.

but i will not return to the cafe. i will let it go. he will have the book and the website as a gift, free of charge, and i can fantasize that he read my words.

i think there is a possibility that patrick could try to retaliate, perhaps through berklee, though i think, i don't know if you looked at the site with rigor, but i think the reference to the boston police pretty much holds him in check, as does it hold berklee in check against the website.

but i also feel strongly that if chris turns this down, that i will feel so dejected that i might not recover to forge this project for yet a third time. i'm quite aware that the names can be quickly subbed out on the website — not even requiring much work — but i think perhaps i will feel so failed in the effort, twice — two graveyards — that i won't bother to engage, or fantasize an engagement, which will be quite sad for me. i don't think i will be able to 'get back out there' — this will be too much in the end.

but of course i will admit that this is premature; it's only been 48 hrs for a site that would take several weeks to consume; and he probably is not finished with the book either, although he might be, i don't think the book is very difficult to understand, i think i make most of the concepts pretty accessible. but he also has other activities and commitments, and so i will be deferred. but if i don't hear by monday night, i will know that it's not a go.

i will — no matter — enjoy much satisfaction in operation 141, and i'll put the stickers up around 11-12 before going to bed and he'll be at the store at 6 and i'll walk by at about 6:10. he'll check it by phone (possibly by laptop) at his break around 9:30-10:00; he'll see it in full, or however much he wants to see of it, around 2-3 in the afternoon. i have added a bit to it, with a map earlier on in the procession of flying titles and scrolling pages. the package with the book is boxed up, priority shipping with delivery confirmation, and it will arrive on monday, probably after his morning shift. it will be addressed to both him and the manager and she will be the one to open it. at that point, he will have to explain it to her, if he hasn't already.

i wrapped the book up in a bunch of old rag t-shirts of mine. he will have immediate access to the trace of my naked body.

but he also may not look at the site, may not bother with it, just move along, but i would think out of self-protection that he would need to identify precisely what the context of the returned 141 is. i am mostly happy to see this operation as me precisely not at my best — as ultimately vindictive and vengeful, which is true, i guess, but he earned it and his punishment is only — at most — that he transfer to a different store, if that, and then ultimately quit and go into a different line of secondary employment. he will otherwise be humiliated for the obvious emotional reasons, but he should already feel those now, this would simply be a clean confirmation of those affects.

but in the end it is: don't fuck with this faggot. what bothered me about the 141 was how quick and clever it was, that he must have been so satisfied in his quick dismissal of me. i don't think i'm really that competitive with most people that i know, but if someone crosses me i think i am usually committed to demonstrating my superiority, and this is certainly the case here. if i went after him at his grad program, at boston university or mit, that would be a different matter, and i think, or i hope, that i would not do that under any circumstances.

this will be satisfying, i think, and perhaps will assuage my hurt feelings, disappointment, if i am not to hear back from chris. to me, this would be an absolutely stunning conclusion, but i also now see it as a real possibility, even if he would of course want to give it several days to identify that he had read my text with care and interest. i am not quite sure what more he could want from me, perhaps what i would offer is too much.

but he is old enough to know that he should take a good opportunity when it presents itself. and i do appreciate your implied optimism and support in your response — i do think, in the end, that there is good reason to think that this is notice —

we would have to talk about whether that is a good idea, specifically, whether you think it is time. i am profoundly depressed now and am not sure what to do. i will have to wait up a few more hours to get the stickers up. i'll send you pics in the night, and then i'll send you the morning pics as i take shots of them while he is working a couple of feet behind me, watching.

it is quite a memento that you have an image in your mind of the original stickers up — 3 on each of the 2 poles — on those parking meter poles from last spring, since removed by the city; after you told me that, i went back and sure enough i never took those pics, that is wholly invented on your end. but i'll capture them this time around, perhaps getting them up on the fact sheet before he's home from his shift.

i will see dave tomorrow, and perhaps that will put me in a better frame of mind for what will be an excruciating sunday and monday for me.

but would he imagine that i would simply and suddenly not return to the store if i don't hear from him? perhaps the patrick business will be off-putting to him — in the fact sheet entry at the top where i say, "thanks for reading up to this; just want to say, hey handsome" — i originally had put a note about patrick, all this obsessive writing about him, that it might be tedious and a bother to him, and that perhaps he should simply skip it. but i excised that warning, to simply let be the historical archive. if chris is smart and sensitive, he will understand that, he will understand how messy these matters are, and he will empathize, nod a bit, and perhaps want to share his own variant of these rather hack tales.

***

http://www.pervert-schizoid-woman.com/single-post/2017/01/13/141-returns-%E2%80%94-which-store-to-transfer-to

does this link work?

goodnight, mic

***

i dropped the book, wrapped in old rag tee shirts, in the mail this morning; it will arrive with delivery confirmation on monday.

if i am to hear from chris, it won't be until monday, i wrote on the sticker — "when you have time" — and perhaps he will read that as encouragement to take some time. i think if i don't hear from him on monday then perhaps i won't hear from him at all but that may also not necessarily be the case. i will not go back to the cafe if i don't hear from him.

to me, it would be stunning if i didn't hear from him — and yet i also simultaneously expect not to hear from him, to expect the unlikely. i am prepared and ready for the unlikely, yet i will be stunned by it.

but i would think given the high quality of the website — on a number of different levels — that he would want to share the url with his colleagues or friends; he is certainly out, so that is not an issue. and i would think that even if he didn't want to live with me, or have sex with me, or spend a lot of time with me, that he would at least want to commit to something less grandiose. i can't imagine that i would get the non-response, and yet i feel perfectly as if that will be the case. it will be predictable and crushing.

perhaps saying that i was a starbucks barista in grad school will make me seem more sympathetic to chris, esp if he is disturbed by my onslaught against patrick, though if you read the immediately preceding entry of the fact sheet, i well make out the case against him, it's quite persuasive, that the original scene be properly classified as a medical emergency.

alex, my uncle, emailed me, he has read to chapter two and is very impressed and noted that he thought it was very persuasive. he said he appreciated my "dialectical approach" which i guess is a reference to the greek dialectic rather than the hegelian dialectic, but i also think that qualifier is off base, in either case. but i wrote back and told him how pleased i was to hear his kind words.

my mother and i screamed at each other about money this morning. i'm not sure why she wants to talk to me about money since i don't have any. there's really nothing to talk about. i don't have any money. i told her that if she needs money she should contact someone who has money, such as stan, or his son, or molly, or her husband.

i feel totally pessimistic about chris, and yet i will still be stunned when i don't receive the news. and i will never know why.

inevitably, there will be some way that patrick is able to stay at the store. but i still nailed him. you can find "flip fucking" on urban dictionary dot com, btw.

***

5 minutes ago — 15 hrs apres-coup — i realized that i had solicited chris to take the pic on the operation 141 page with "a former boyfriend of mine will be by the store to take the pic for the website; wear something flattering; i tend to think you look good in black" — if chris swiped the book and rearranged the windowsill, then no doubt he will be smart enough to be interpellated by my unconscious solicitation. he has the address, the description, the hours, and patrick will be wearing his name tag no doubt even if reluctantly — it will depend on chris's schedule, patrick's schedule, and my good luck. i'll hear from chris with the emailed pic. perhaps chris was already scouting out the store today. i can't have him over yet — the apt is a disaster, that will be a week away. cuddling on the twin xl while listening to trashy dance tracks, we'll both be —

those awesome apple green $40 headphones broke apart today (my fault); i will try to take them to an electronics store in harvard square to see if it is salvageable, but no one really fixes anything anymore.

if we have a discussion about termination of treatment — which is certainly premature — i really am going to want your advice, insight, and to frame a discussion that would evaluate the wisdom of that possible move.

i suppose a hack is possible; but there is a second mirror site and patrick doesn't have the url for that. in any case, i'll simply rebuild it.

***

i have strutted a bit by the store this morning — i can't see whether he's in there, but he usually works on saturday — it is fun. i feel redeemed, and he earned it. and he is unlikely to commit such violence again, i hope. as for his sexuality: perhaps this will give his gf an exit. but i'm afraid he will never fess up, and my intervention most certainly doesn't help that cause.

just passed it for the 20th time today, she was there behind the counter, he must have worked the morning, she was posing with another worker, pretending to laugh, avoiding my gaze. she must be devastated that she is not once mentioned on the website.

i now realize that he will be fired. it is mentioned in the fact sheet that the intimidation pose was made while he was on the clock — that will be cause.

but there will be no real consequence for his academic career, and that is how i want it. he can be coffee boy for another gay boy at a different shop. i bet his girlfriend breaks up with him. and i will put money down that she is asian.

i'm smart,

michael

i now feel optimistic about chris. if he wanted to fuck me before the website, i doubt the website will change that fire. and god knows i am certainly fuckable.

***

i now have some reason to believe that chris is in. i'll keep you posted. heading off to bed. i'll have confirmation in the morning after i post the last 24 hrs.

mic