tips for patrick & confessions for chris

andy p, atl, georgia —

there are several ways that patrick could return the gift:

1. intercept the package on monday.

this is a good idea, but the problem here is that I will be calling meagan (the store manager) on tuesday to confirm that she has received the package. intercepting the package will defer patrick's firing for about 24 hrs, but then you're back at monday.

my other move here is to resend the package; i've got 10 copies of the book, i'm happy to keep mailing them out; perhaps fedex will be more successful next time.

but good idea!

2. rate my book poorly (zero stars or one star) on amazon.com. this is a good idea — and easy to do — all you need to do is order a copy of the book from amazon directly and then you will have a verifiable sale which will enable you to talk potty about my book online. this will be devastating to me, and i hope you don't do it.

this would be considered "mean," the way i define it on the fact sheet.

3. this is probably your best shot — somehow convince my employer that the website is inappropriate for a student audience. this is where the action is for you, potentially. the trouble is that i drew up a syllabus with a quasi-legal disclaimer requesting that students not go to the site — that it is not assigned, not recommended, and actively discouraged. at berklee, students have to sign the syllabus, and return a signed statement that they understand and accept the terms of the syllabus. the store manager, meagan, may be able to confirm this because she is a graduate of berklee, but the policy also might be retroactive to her graduation, i don't know. in any case, all 120 students will be at the website immediately.

4. hacking the site is the best shot for total redemption. the trouble here is that you don't know how to do that. there is also a saved mirror site whose url you don't know. also, there are saved and stored "back up" copies of the website — of varying dates, making it possible to return to an earlier incarnation of the site. but again, the main problem for you here is that you don't know how to hack a website.

also, it turns out that my new boyfriend, whose name is chris, is a computer guy — which i am honestly not thrilled about, and a bit disappointed in — but, in the current context, this aids in protecting the site from nefarious activities.

this is the likely route:

5. you or your homophobic hooligan friends will physically attack me, chris, or our homes. i've already alerted the boston police department about this situation, so unless you're going for the get fucked forever in prison route, then this isn't going to work.

my advice:

quit the job, send me the apology, break up with your girlfriend, get a therapist, continue your worthy studies in biochemistry at boston university, and take a second job in a local restaurant. there are a lot of gay guys who work in restaurants, and you are very handsome, and you will be able to land a good guy, quickly, who may be able to also help you out financially. i sincerely hope this alternative plan works out for you, as i had liked you the instant i met you, originally.

ok, chris, some confessions:

1. my dick is not 7.5". it is probably — i've actually never measured properly — more like 6.5", but it is cut, and it is thick, and it is the best penis that i know. you will have total and complete access to my dick on the 23rd (about) which is the day of my appointment with my pcp who will write a script for cialis. "not yet!"

2. although i will take care of you for the rest of your life — and i suspect that i will outlive you — i have absolutely no money. what this means is that you and i will probably be getting part-time jobs at the restaurant that patrick will be working at. potentially hot times ahead.

3. i am a family of one — and then my mother; i am completely estranged from my father's side of the family, who violently blamed my mother, bizarrely, for my father's suicide, which was due to lifelong dark depression; my sister and i haven't spoken in 2 years, even though we are each other's favorite people; my mother will solicit you to help bridge the problem here; i will be resistant at first, but i will ultimately submit because i'd like you and my mother to be close.

4. i'm probably never going to want to have anal sex with you. you are free to have anal sex with whomever you want to. i will — just by default — think less of you when you do this, but it's not something that you can't make up to me by simply always cooking dinner.

5. if you got to my okc profile (the yrarrogantreply one) it is true: my toenails are a disaster. it is not a fungus — i've had it swabbed and tested — it is what the podiatrist referred to as "toenail trauma." it is at this juncture that the narrative would quickly turn toward the chicken patch story, and you simply haven't earned that yet.

6. i don't care if you are circumcised or not. i have been working through — simply talking — about my attraction to you for at least 6 months in session, and it has been very frustrating to not be able to articulate what it is that i find so beautiful about you. i have come around to the idea that it is movement, because that's what i've seen of you, moving in the store, and so i think what is beautiful about you is the way that you move in space. i think that is it. you will also discover that my movement in space is sexy; you probably haven't gotten a good look at my gait, which is truly hot, i promise. and my dancing is sweat. also, you have a beautiful face. i have not seen your smile, and i suspect your teeth are all fucked up.

in closing, patrick, take my advice, i will not take the site down even with an apology — the material is too good — but you can quickly move on from your gf and starbucks and find a hot skateboard dude to ollie with all night long.

this is now what happens: patrick is fired/quits starbucks via secret arrangement with store manager meagan to enable him to qualify for unemployment benefits, which can pay 6-12 months at 70% of the wage (you will have to lie about your student status, which is easy; i did it); patrick continues studies at boston university, breaks up with gf but remains friends, chris and i find her new bf who is not as hot as patrick but who is a better person than patrick; chris and i have anal sex for the first time somewhere around this time and move in together; "patrick" becomes purely fictional character, i further write him into the manifesto, joke of website is on people who go to the 1304 starbucks looking for self-hating homophobic faggot "patrick"; 1304 starbucks theoretically becomes conceptual art of "the void of differance of castrative desire" (patrick, you'll have to read the book to understand that reference) — 1304 starbucks becomes a simultaneous corporate monstrosity and smart art project — simultaneously, at once — 1304 starbucks potentially becomes mildly famous when my book is picked up by a real publisher and becomes super hot and i am famous and have a lot of money and drugs.

deal? — with some negotiations.

love michael

also, this applies:

someone should tell patrick that he should be taking the full amount of federal student loans offered to him at bu above the stipend — this should be at least $8000/semester which is enough to pay for everything without working, perhaps with the exception of his asian girlfriend's birth control pills. tell patrick he should stay away from the private loans — those parasites will track you — but the feds will do nothing if you own nothing. that is the key to surviving american capitalism: do not own anything, which is the reason that they try to get you to own shit. debtor's prisons were shut down in the 19th century in this country — exception: you can go to jail for failure to pay alimony and child support, contingent upon state — but since we're all gay and want nothing to do with children this is not a problem for us. they can't come for you if you don't own a house, a boat, a car, and so on. i am proof — 11 years going at $175,000 — that they will not garnish your wages even for the minimum of the income contingency repayment plan monthly due. patrick should be taking the full fed loan load, and he should relinquish the dream of owning house, boat, and car. patrick should not be working beyond his work at the lab. visualize my mother's wise words: "michael, they can take away your house, they can take away your car, but no one can ever take away your phd."