penis patch

andy pink, lincoln, rhode island —

first off: i reread the bit i wrote a week ago about sucking chris's dick; this is a damn good bit of writing, not only because it's erotic and weird but also because it almost has a complex and debatable thesis; it is very well done; i recommend any reader who skipped over it to take a look — i believe it is at the top of the post, perhaps skip the rest — this symbolized submission to chris's penis and then the twist in which i take total control over his cock, it does generate hope.

the photocopying is still not done — scan to pdf — and the entire operation is a labor of love for a group of folks that i have never even met. i was at school earlier today, at trident, a place that i do really like, a site that will suit me, perhaps better than ula, now that such a charade — however true, good faith effort — is over, and i will be in trident during the day, and then when class ends at 10 i will be there working till midnight when they close; this will be a good schedule, keep me on top of task, and also generally force me to eat, and eat more or less in health, for the next semester. i will try to go to the gym — down the street, mind you — on monday morning before it all begins, again. i suppose i will not set foot in jp for months, possibly a yr, i have no real cause to go over there.

things have picked up a bit in terms of mood, i was able to pull over and pull out, and i do feel somewhat agitated and frustrated, which is to be expected given the end game of this superbowl, to which it felt like, exactly — i am taking the occasional haldol, which is fine, though i will make all attempts on monday to avoid the pill so that i can be in full force for class in the evening. i do believe i see the st e doctors this week, and we will probably stay on course, though perhaps i will request a slight increase in the lamictal, just because i was down, and it also might phase out some of the irritation caused in the wake.

i want to return to a point that i raised in the fact sheet entry — a couple of episodes ago — about the motivational affect of pursuit. i asked: what would be the agentic affect of pursuit if not love? i think this is quite right, rhetorically taken. a feeling of 'like' would never motivate anyone, that doesn't make any sense, doesn't even sound right, and to 'like' someone requires the kind of depth of information that is just unavailable in the process, at the advent, of the pursuit. it would be silly — quite delusional — to say i am pursuing so-and-so because i 'like' them; that would be based on no knowledge of them, which is a condition of 'like.' i think pursuit based on 'curiosity' or 'interest' is not really viable, because i don't think those are emotions, they are not feelings that one would embody — live and breathe — in the process of pursuit. in any case, i had no feelings of curiosity, with mystery, about chris. i think perhaps 'lust' or 'passion' could fit — but to me these are vague, and perhaps superficial, and inapplicable affects in my case, so they don't fit. i think i basically pursued him — book, soda, water, sticker, website — out of love; folks veil the intensity of this early affective engagement with the stranger with the word 'crush,' but to me it really is such an intense feeling — writing about his penis, getting angry at him in text for making me enamored to this inaccessible beauty, and so on — for that, 'crush' really is inadequate. more so, i don't think i would be impressed with a boy's pursuit of me based on 'crush,' it's not enough, it doesn't elicit the kind of art and creativity that would finally win me over, if i were ambivalent. and of course, it is only because i was overwhelmed with love for him that i revised the website for him, wrote about him, gave him the book, created a scene for us to first meet. in the end, it is really a shame that we didn't meet once — not once — if only to smile about what a classy courtship — creative, literary — we had, at the advent.

if any reader wants to send me a note about the affect that belongs to courtship, i would be very interested; i have now thought a bit about it — mostly because i probably frightened chris with my seemingly unhinged love, hard, for him — and i do maintain, ultimately, that i very much was in love with him, at a distance, with no explicit information — which would have seemed so ridiculously irrelevant and weak — in relation to the force of my feelings for him. i now think he is not 30, and perhaps only 26, which would explain a bit of the fall out from the presentation of what i can offer to him — "not yet!"

love andy p