dear wonder boy

It ended at the start, when I began to call you "wonder boy." I feel strongly that you were in love with me — though you never said it, and I certainly didn't say it because I absolutely did not feel it — but I feel special that I was probably the first man that you fell in love with, except perhaps your father, who I don't think was a particularly good father. In retrospect, I hope I treated you well, I believe I did, or probably tried my best, I always do that. You were beautiful to me for that period, and I think the only reason I didn't fall in love with you — the only reason I didn't take you with me — is that I didn't, I didn't fall in love with you. In many ways, you were perfect, you were curious, and young, and pretty, and you were impressed — you understood me, and I could summarize you quickly, in writing, or in person — but I think in the end the age gap was probably too wide for us to bridge. You were much younger than I was, and it wasn't a question of an interval of experience, or even perspective, it was simply that we were each concerned with different objects at that time, and the reason for this divergence was no doubt age. It wasn't that I had given up on the objects that you were considering, wondering about, thinking about, but that I had probably exhausted my inquiry into them, couldn't fathom answers or conclusions, and had abandoned them for other tests and quizzes, other objects.

But I want you to know that I do think about you. I have some anxieties that perhaps I didn't treat you well — or well enough, given your age, you were so susceptible to others, I recall — and if I hurt you in any way, by dismissing you, or waving away a curiosity, I am sorry for that. I feel so privileged that you fell in love with me — it's rare for someone to fall in love with someone, I think, at all — but it was such a thrill, in silence, to acknowledge that this was probably the case. I would have taken you with me, but it would have ended with my not being in love with you, ever, and that would have been so torturous for both of us. I think it was the age difference. Everything else about you was beautiful. I wouldn't have bothered if it hadn't been.

Take care,

Michael