patrick & chris & trevor

Last night I thought about gratitude, which I ordinarily do not consider or feel. And, yes, there are some things to be grateful for amidst the shitshow of my 30s. I think at the top of my list is that I met Patrick, Trevor, and Chris — and I totally fell in love with all three, completely. That itself is quite a feat of luck. There must be so many people who go through life, totally capable of love, and never having the luck of finding anyone that they love, that they totally fall in love with. I had the luck of finding those three guys in the past few years. The heartbreak of the matter — which I think is fair to say is bad luck, because all three of them really should have been able to work out — the heartbreak of the matter is that this love was so fleeting, so ephemeral, it was lost. And of course this is very much (precisely) what happened to me with my dad. And so it is extra painful. I wouldn’t say that I consciously repeated the relationship with dad with these three guys — an intense and joyful but short and impermanent love — I didn’t do that, at least consciously, but it was just bad luck that they didn’t work out, that the situation sort of repeated itself, again. It was bad luck it repeated, and it was bad luck that there was something to repeat. But in terms of gratitude: I am so fucking lucky that I met them — Patrick, twice and refound, and Trevor and Chris — and for that I am truly grateful. It was the best feeling ever, and I was very lucky to have it.

I am also grateful that all three — at least as I calculate it, even soberly — were into me, in some way. Even Patrick who feigned annoyance or disinterest or whatever, he had a thing for me, even if he couldn't quite put it into words (though he did put it into numbers); the weird intensity of Patrick's reaction to me was a pretty good indication of his interest, and ambivalence, discomfort, all around. He would never have bothered to react in such a way if I were a girl or if he were uninterested. Trevor was also pretty much in love with me, and I think Chris's feelings were probably less intense than mine. Chris's feelings were also less destabilizing for him than the feelings that Trevor and Patrick had, because they were in the closet, uncomfortable, whereas Chris was out, and could experience his love with curiosity and security, curiosity in the rare bird. Chris was stuck on me for some reason, all evidence points that way, I think, but my being a rather rare bird, he didn't know how to approach me, and I reciprocated the fumble. Yet, I am grateful, and even feel lucky, amidst a decade that was truly unlucky in so many ways — including these losses — it was lucky to experience the love-feeling for the three of them, that was truly a break from the skies.

Andy Pink