Out and About

andy pink, back from the park and eager for a battle —

i must say: rich not being out to his parents is perfectly fine, even normal, in queer life, a lot of folks are not out to their parents (or really anybody), but there is an — unfortunate no doubt — queer imperative by those who are (easily) out that gay folks come out — that's even the aetiology of the original rainbow flag, the color, the vibrance, but of course also the diversity. (i truly despise that flag, it seems like something that a middle-aged lesbian would wear, it makes gayness happy, which it often is not, or at least i'm not. we don't need a new flag design, we need a new object to represent queerness; i like the color pink (and from wwii) , hence andy pink (and chosen for other reasons), but an object could be good, though i imagine it's hard enough to agree with colors let alone an object — maybe a high heel shoe of an african noir colored dildo, but some bastards would likely protest that, too). in any case, rich is really in no way abnormal to not be out to his parents — and i think paradoxically straight people are more attuned to closetedness than a lot of gay people, who imagine themselves to have always been out. straight people understand the closet better because their straight counterparts, not out yet.

the ideology that you have to come out of the closet (to your parents) is hogwash, truly. ultimately, a person's sexuality is nobody's business, including parents, who would certainly not be privy to a child's sex life and performed sex acts. in fact, coming out to your parents is like telling them you have ass sex and anal munching and oral flirting — it's really kind of gross to tell your parents that you are gay, and gay folks who are already (easily) out should back off their we're here we're queer finally supressive ideology. rich, do what you want, i support you any which since sunday, i'll help if you want, i can present as the responsible partner, professor, older and mature, no rings and ink. if can help you, i will. there is such a thing as closet shame, and you shouldn't have to experience it. don't tell them.

on moist walk with jeff this am, i thought more about wayside bathroom sex that rich hunts, and that's fine, but i can't do that. i'm too much of a prude for that, i probably wouldn't be able to get hard, and i'd feel awkward and uncomfortable, not to mention dirty and greasy. i will watch, that will be fun for me, perhaps i'll get an erection and jerk off. i realize these gas station bathrooms are tight, but i think 3 of us can fit in one. this might be more successful below the american equator.

but if rich feels insecure/awkward about not coming out to his parents, then i can share my own insecurity: i have performance anxiety. not just in bed (though this is sometimes the case), but in everyday life, which is a performance, and in which i sometimes find myself anxious. it's not primarily a social anxiety — i usually excel socially unless the person is punk and my boyfriend — but just an anxiety about exclusively past actions: it cropped up in relationship to lectures (especially at berklee for 10 years) and it proved a difficulty, i tried the benzos (in addition to the lithium and haldol i take for bipolar), but they didn't work, and i've been left with this generalized anxiety. (btw, i believe the code from the diagnostic and statistical manual of the apa is: 269.69 — i'm not sure this is the case but if you're still excessively concerned about my cross you can check out the registered symptomatology of the disorder. the use of lithium with patients has a very interesting history — there are several books on the topic if you are interested (i own one) — and it is probably the most profound psychiatric breakthrough in the 20th century. (i guess eli lilly's discovery of zyprexa was amazing too)). that said, i have a bit of anxiety, and you will have to cope with it, you've seen me in 1369 and i'm generally fine, but i have certain moments (post-lecture, about my sister, sometimes sex, and during shooting practice).

i'm cleaning the house for connie (and jeremy) tomorrow, they'll leave early. getting a haircut later today, as it's developed essentially into a lion's mane with a bob (incredibly weird cut right now), but i'll get it dyed pink and apply a rat tail. surely rich will appreciate that.

love the new server!

andy

my sister, molly