The Gay Manuscript

from andy's treehouse, that's a pretty big trunk dude —

i'm still upset/confused about jon's joke about the fictional nature of my gayness. maybe it's a reference to the fact (self-delusion) that i am straight-acting, but maybe closeting myself in J.Crew clothing (which is certainly gay but not queer) is fictional. I also told jon about rich and perhaps that seems like a fiction, or a storyboard or screenplay — i tell our story, so far, well — and that may be it. it kind of bothers me — jon complains constantly about his partner, tim (who is a child psychiatrist, that's got to be the worst), and i almost feel like their relationship is a fiction, as there is no love there, evidently, they've been together forever. idk, annoyed/perplexed. i'm sensitive, occasionally.

the gay manuscript is going — i read over the first 50 pp. and really like what i've perused. in fact, i don't think any changes to this first part are necessary, it's a bit repetitive (like all my work, ultimately), but i do think that some stuff is worth repeating, especially for a lay audience, which i also strive to reach as readers. slept well last night, missed the world series game. i have to reread freud's text on leonardo da vinci and his homosexuality, the drawing of the bird and the tongue, there's a lot there, but it especially enunciates that the aetiology of homosexuality is the relationship to the mother, and i think this is key to an understanding of deleuze's version of masochism — which, when read closely, is truly bizarre and a bit confusing and perplexing, like jon's joke yesterday. but i'm really excited about the gay manuscript, i want to do it well, finely and smartly, especially because it will be dedicated to rich, who i assume will be annoyed by that inscription. i've often thought his last name is "arthur" but i suppose it will remain a mystery for another 36 hours.

the whale-cruising reference is interesting, i missed it (the one, i don't much really consider that dimension of queer life) — but i wonder if he has had sex in the 1369 bathroom. probably not, though i'm wondering why not. why not? i've never had sex in a mcdonald's wayside gas station bathroom (true story) — i'd be afraid that my clothes would get too dirty on kneeling — but i can see the hunting/cruising as fun on our road trip (where are we to go?: how much time can you take off?) though i might just watch rich and not engage. i would, as i mentioned before, like to watch him have sex with other guys, at least occasionally, and which i've done before, from paradise in central (which rich might know, being an mit student; that's my gay club in boston — no doors on the bathrooms — but it is now closed since covid; it's an old gay club, i think from the 70s, so it's kind of sad that it closed. i once saw a gogo boy there check himself out in the mirror while strutting, which was pretty embarrassing, but there was a lot of chagrined moments at that club, which is why i liked it). i'd like to think that i'm ideologically punk enough to have bathroom sex at a mcdonald's wayside bathroom but i'm not sure. i realize it's safe, i think the issue for me is the dirtiness of the actual space — the bathroom — which kind of is a turnoff. i would have sex with rich in front of a bush, however. maybe rich can manipulate me into that scene, otherwise: too dirty.

i am trying to cultivate new friends at the evening dog park (3rd street), addison and louie, she is a high school spanish teacher, and he is a programmer, but they both perform as stand-up comics around boston. there is no evidence that they are funny — i've noticed that about comics: they are often not funny in everyday life — but i like them, they have the right sensibility, or aesthetic and style, if not clothes, and louie (who's other name is uri, an israeli name, had a friend with that name in montreal and i called him "lou," linguist from penn who got an unbelievably sweet job at northwestern; why don't i have that job?) — louie is entirely adorable, rich would probably drool all over his dick watching him with their dog, peeka.

i'm off to the dog park with jeff soon, he played so hard with maya yesterday that i thought he was going to expire. he also sniffed way too hard on the walk over there through the fields to moderna — i think pulling the all-nighter with me put him out.

you're having bathroom trysts and you're not out to your parents? different — Michael W

A berklee student told me the following joke that i told the dog park posse yesterday morning, and it was a hit:

a girl asks her boyfriend if he is gay.

the guy responds, "i can't talk to you right now, there are 5 penises dangling in front of my face."

love michael