The Real of Sexual Difference

andy pink — live from detroit, michigan, motor city, where the pretty boys meet the factory floor —

as this is a book for gay men, and this website is for queer image afficionados, i can say with some definition that we all find: the woman's body to be ugly. in freud's schema, the woman represents loss and lack and castration, but in a very specific sense; it's not merely that the clitoris is not the penis (that it is dimunitive, like rich, and therefore inferior or figurative as a loss) but that this death is stained by the affects of fear and anxiety for loss of the little boy's penis in the case that his naughty behavior incites the murderous rage of a father who decides to reduce the little boy's penis to the loss and lack and castration of the clitoris.

what i want to underscore is the affect: fear and anxiety. it is within this nexus that the female genitalia ("something is missing," as freud says in the dream book) becomes the not-penis (not-woman) that then indicate the presence and life of the penis, obversely. the little boy must cope with affect and emotion in the face of the horrific portrait, and this is the attitude or orientation that the little boy takes toward the (ugly, disasterous) female body. what this means is that knowledge and fear are interfaced, just as desire and anxiety are conjoined. within this paradigm — which is the only account that properly makes sense of sexual difference, of how the little boy discerns and understands the difference between the sexes that is otherewise obscure and unexplained — the thought, affect, and action of the little boy come clean: fear and anxiety.

freud, in the little hans case study, says that essentially all little boys are gay because post oedipus and castration complexes, the clitoris and the vagina are unacceptable objects of knowledge and desire. How does the little boy possibly maturate out of this originary homosexuality, which is a contradictory stain on the otherwise heterosexual content of the oedipus complex? there really is no answer to this question, and i think it is fair to admit that all gay men are essentially babies, and ones who cannot fathom loss or death, and cannot cope with lack and castration. all men are gay — or as i used to say at berklee and emerson: most guys are mostly gay. seems like any other conclusion is unfathomable, even illogical and irrational.

then the question is posed: are women simply disposable, props for a sexuality that is neither the object of desire nor the subject of pleasure? what do we do with women? i've had the theory that women must be lesbians, as there really is no space for them in men's culture. I then — beyond this rupture — would suggest that women should live with women and men should live with men. this is the essence of the gender "separatism" of the 1970s, and i think it's a good idea to return to this type of utopia, as men want nothing to do with vaginas, and women can't satisfy a cock.

in good news on the work front: i have decided to publish the fact sheet, about 190 entries, each of which prints in a 6x9" book as 2-3 pages. this makes for a long book — and certainly discontinuous and scattered — but i really don't care, i'd like the texts to make it out, somewhere, in a designed book, published by bleakswan publications. the book would likely be about 600 pages in the dimunitive (rich) size of an ordinary paperback book, and i will include gay sex pornographic imagery (if i can find a printer) in the book, small blocks at the closure of each entry with an amusing caption.

the title of the projected book, which is well underway in the design phase, is: Hallucinations of Desire: Memoirs in Queer Manic Depression. The title may change, it's a bit unweildy, but i like the idea of the book, it is expressive of its content, and i think it is plainly a doozy. obviously amazon won't print it so i will have to find a printer who will produce it, which simply means print it. the small blocked gay sex porno pics are negotiable, as everyone watches gay porn and knows what's up in that dimension. but i do like the idea of the accompaning icons, even if the short captions are small interventions. this is a solid project. the work is intertextual, discontinuous, and scattered, and this is much the manic depression experience. the idea is that the author is trying to bring into being the author ("andy pink") and that this pivot is what gives the patient (andy pink) some semblance of consistency and coherence. I wrote a draft of a foreword and afterword — really good — earlier today and they nicely bookshop the writings in the entries. just got to find the porno printer, or not.

about rich, who is my favorite object of text: i'm surprised that he wasn't enthused by my halloween pic of dressing as a j.crew model. i am plainly thin in that pic, i weigh 166 lbs (on my way down to 155 lbs hopefully) but i look skinny enough in that pic. i actually think i look kind of intellectual sexy, which this kid obviously adores. point of fact: the thorazine did not make me fat, it was the vraylar, which is a good med for my depression. i don't take thorazine, not a good drug. i do enjoy haldol, that really puts things right. in any case, the kid is obviously a virgin (he wears it like a halo), so he will have to promise me that he will look me in the eye before i suck his dick, which is at the top of the list.

we are going to disney world — i meted out the costs for 3 days at the hojo disney hotel (which includes free continental breakfast) — it is $60/night = $180 + gas for rental car = $170 + rental car (no idea) + tickets = $375 + food = $100 = grand total of $825 which split (with incidentals paid by rich), is $412. this is feasible, at least for me. i will give myself till february 1st to thin out to 155 lbs, and then we can meet and talk and travel for february school vacation (which we should both have off).

peace, andy pink

I won't wear a harness either