awful

andy pinkster, gesture, mississippi —

i feel quite awful.

3 days ago, i felt great, things seemed to be moving in the right direction, my life was a series of proper choices, i had arrived at my place to be, i was in good hands with myself and others, then last night and into today — broken glasses and poisoned eggs.

there is not much to do for this, i think. i’m too prone to mania to take an anti-depressant; i can’t take a stimulant; i am mostly against anti-psychotics, they remind me of fake sugar and manufactured margarine; i take lamictal, but it doesn’t do much, i’ve come to think; and lithium stays the course but doesn’t lift my mood. i had a lot of thoughts of death all of last night — and it was worse because my mattress hasn’t been delivered yet (or was, this morning) and so i was sleeping on the couch, too short, too tight, too wronged. i did manage to go downtown (peoria) and send two of the four syllabi out to be photocopied for monday. the other two can wait until next week to be sent out. but trolley, to and home, that’s it. i had cornflakes and milk (1%) but i feel no better. it is hot here in the midwest on this saturday.

hopefully, wiling, i will feel better tomorrow. monday is showtime, must make good start for the semester. maybe movie with new crazy friend on tuesday. probably meet with my book illustrator on wednesday. still not speaking to my sister. she did not respond to my ultimatum email from two weeks ago.

i’ll talk to my friend jorge tonight, via skype, perhaps will feel better then. will leave laverne alone for the weekend, she will be too busy for string and cans.

the mattress is so small! i can’t imagine fitting on it!

peace famine or feast, jorge and laverne

i am useless, sad.

truly,

andy