slide

andy pink, wheeler, utah —

this is the time of the year for the slide. at about the end of august or the beginning of september (school starts late this year) i usually feel a bit of a crash. i feel lonely, isolated, tired, exhausted, frustrated, sad, generally depressed. my summer was not great in terms of mood. the spring semester ended in may; i had felt good through much of that (after a sorry fall) and felt good into the end of june. but july and august were very slow and stilted, i spent much of it distracted, unable to concentrate, resistant to work, i thought my summer courses had gone historically terribly though the student evaluations were quite positive, shows the subjection of my interpretative apparatus to discoloration when i am down. things picked up about a week ago, i just broke out of it for some reason, for no reason at at all, i felt better, i was sure it was past. but now here it comes again — sadness, slowness i have everything to look forward to — new apartment, new neighbors, new neighborhood, new semester, new work, but i feel dark and off.

i had a run in with the superintendent of my new building yesterday. for one thing, he lives exactly below me. i think this might not be good; he already noted that i had been up late “moving stuff” — which may or may not have been true, i cannot remember the slightest — though he didn’t quite explicitly complain. i assured him that i would not be having regular parties in my apt (which is true), he didn’t have much to say about that. a friend of mine thinks it’s a good development that the super lives below me, but i think it’s too invasive, would rather have a more private dwelling. i always wanted a super like the one they forecast in the tv program, “good times.” i can’t remember his name, big short fat black guy, always in over-alls, he was funny. i think he had a crush on one of the daughters, can’t remember the super and i had a bit of a scuffle about where i had put my garbage out back, it came to the point where he said “i’m not saying you’re a liar” — which is a bad point — but i let it go. he has this strange problem with his voice where the audibility of his speech comes in and out — what is that?

i made frozen trader-joe multigrain waffles for breakfast, cup of coffee, will have a banana soon. the place is coming together — but still waiting on mattress and cable. i can’t quite pull the place together until those pieces are in. smaller than my last place, but cheaper, and it is weirdly “cleaner.” also, the windows by my desk look out over some trees. i feel the depression.

i see my psychiatrist today (once a wk, he did my meds for a few years but now i am consulting with some folks at a local hospital instead, this psychiatrist still does the therapy once a wk) — he is old, he used to run a clinic, back in the day, but had quite a turn against psychiatry. he refers to psychiatrists as a “motley crew,” and he is much taken by some of the names in the anti-psychiatry movement. he doesn’t think much of the new blockbuster drugs, he stands by the older ones — he put me on lithium and lamictal and haldol — though he has prescribed zyprexa and abilify for me too. his general take is that the medications are like a twig in a cyclone, there’s not much to be done once caught in the winds of a manic twister. i think he’s probably right, but i still take my meds. abilify had been a wonderful drug for me, but i think i gained about 6 lbs on it and i’m so vain that i can’t take that. i may start it up — or latuda — later in the fall, we’ll see how i feel. on latuda, i could not stop talking, ever.

i can’t possibly cook for myself let alone the new ladies, and i’m vegetarian so i can’t fry salmon on the skillet, will rethink party plans. anna, i have survived, not nearly as treacherous with packers, movers, and heaven.

there is a dunkin donuts, an urban outfitters, and a staples down the street. around the corner will be my cvs. there’s a local bagel/coffee shop around there as well. there are several good used thrift store like places (this is a cheap student neighborhood). i went to a little used book shop yesterday and talked with the proprietor, from iran, nice guy, told me that harvard university has bought up most of boston as commercial real estate to rent. i bought a book of pirandello plays from him, surprisingly expensive, but i went with it. there are a couple of little convenience stores, a bar, a music space, bank of america, pet shop (looks really sketchy from the outside, i thought i saw a dead cat in the window), and a grocery store. there’s an old vietnamese restaurant and an italian restaurant that i used to go to 25 years ago. in toto, i would say the neighborhood is dirty, though i could see it becoming my neighborhood very quickly.

to the banana —

andy