epatrick

andy pink from seattle, wash —

patrick wasn't at the store this morning, the stickers are still up, the girl with the wide/brown face was not there, and i am now thinking that the entire operation was misconceived because i will only seem unhinged to them, further, and then also a failure because he will somehow circumvent his illegal treatment of me, again. perhaps i should just call starbucks corporate — even after two years — and lodge some type of complaint; obviously, i don't really want to get him in trouble, i just want him to recognize and then acknowledge to me that i am better than him. this is now going to never happen — because, as a dick science jock, he won't bother to read the book i graciously mailed which will arrive today — and he will somehow fantasize that i am crazy (which is sort of true, i suppose, but in a way to my real credit) and then he will think that he is smarter than me (which will not be the case) because he is in science and i am in the humanities, and my book looks like it was made by unprofessionals. in the end, we can only hope that he gets fat. or, really, i hope the girl gets fat. i honestly wish the best for the gf. he is absolutely gay. and he was totally all about me.

chris — whose name may be mark — sent me a parody eharmony compatible partners email — which perhaps supplements the parody amazon email from last wk that i refused to engage with — the parody has an elaborate bit about the terms of service/use and it indicates that he may be funnier than me — but in a way that i actually don't think is funny. but it's all charming — if rudely delayed and late — and it has caused me to amend my daily schedule and defer berklee to the afternoon.

in my filling out his form, he questioned my response — there were a variety, about personality, interests, of which i have none/neither — about whether i would be able to initiate sexual relations with him — i think i said i would be 'somewhat' able to do that but apparently the book + the website demonstrated that i would be frigid which would perhaps force him to force himself on me, which he will do. i totally could make the first move — it certainly wouldn't be a kiss because i would put money down, like on patrick's asian gf, that his teeth are fucked up; there's actually another guy there, who seems to actively dislike me, he's sort of the unreconstructed hipster of the staff, and i think he really is missing teeth, so this discussion is not irrelevant though also not funny. in any case, i could totally make the first move and — let's admit — did.

i'm going to have to stop writing because the keyboard is sticking — i'm not sure why that is — but i will clean it and return.

the sexual problems will be — which i think i amply layed out already — that i'm probably not going to be able to get an erection with him; and, even if i do, with cialis, this is not, according to dan, going to enable me to ejaculate; what that means, basically, is that mark can suck on my 6.5" cut thick dick all he wants but if he is a cum hound (or whatever) — i'm not going to be providing. anyway, since my faux sexuality is a heel of mine — which should be obvious, and the reason that i wrote chapter two — he really shouldn't aggravate that sore at this point in our gamesmanship, though perhaps he was upset that i accurately identified his tooth decay.

in any case, i love him very much, i think i will stick to my original statement in the fact sheet that i 'always' was in love with him — i guess what's nice about how it's transpired is that we will be able to quickly bypass the stage where we bond over making fun of some third object and cut to the dynamic in which we go directly at each other.

i will soon draw up a list of things that are funny about me — but that i don't think are funny, and should not be represented in our rapport (though he will be free to discuss them with others); i will draw up that list soon; i am now thinking that the handsome bruins cap brown hair tall guy supervisor is named mike or chris; it would have been very easy for me to get confused there because they don't wear name tags, which i think is good policy.

there was this bit about a fish in the email return to my george mcfly pic post that was very funny. it is sad that i didn't meet him until i was 40. there must be some reason for that.

two things i am worried about:

1. he might drink a lot

2. he might really be into making out which i won't probably do

3. i will have to explain the blunted tactility i believe i suffer from — which you thought i should actually have tested — that i think explains why there is no feeling in my mouth — or dick — during oral sex; there was only really any sentient anything once, during the blowjob i gave in the bathroom to the schizoaffective kid at the montreal jewish general. maybe it was the depakote, but i will never take that again, not even for mark. i wonder if at some pt i will start calling him 'chrissy' —

my smoking is not going to be an issue because i will quit for him; if he drinks, perhaps he will quit that in exchange.

it will be strange to see him when i do. i will smile in a way — in that moment — that will be unattractive to him. he will forgive that, but it will be remembered, because that scene will be so memorable. it would be so awesome if we could be reunited in the 1304 starbucks — which perhaps wouldn't be meaningful to him — but i can't isolate a spot that would really be worthy for both us.

i think i will not terminate treatment for now. i love him very strongly and am surprised his name is mark — which was the name of my student crush in the phil and image class in the fall. it is a solid name.

i'll keep you updated — and thanks for sending the correction about the seemingly aggressive meryl streep film allegory you produced — i hope that you see how my correction of your correction demonstrates that i was basically right, originally.

andy pink

i also want to say to chrissy, that it was difficult to answer many of those questions — as it would be, perhaps as intended — because my moods are so volatile; so it's not just that, per my book, those answers would be context dependent but also, more crucially, mood dependent, which i suppose is a context, so: my self-representation is off. but i think you will quickly find that i am the best person you know.

i think that falling in love with mark was perhaps more intense than falling in love with trevor — but it would be virtually impossible for me to gauge that, i'll have to go back to the writing at the time, i was so angry at trevor, around that, whereas i don't feel any anger toward mark. i can't wait to touch his hair!