michael at trident + peyton at peet's

To bite is a fright — Andy P here, for you —

Someday I will write up the story and tell you exactly what happened, even though I have no access to the story in full. I can write imagined perspectives on the series of events, a chapter for each character, witness, and strive to tell a story whose horizon is the end. The cops made their appearance, they were very nice, I would say that they sympathized with me, perhaps because I identified myself as a PhD, which I knew would help my case, and it did, and in the end Patrick is pretty foolish, all around, besides his blond hair and beautiful torso, what else?

I had a lovely Sunday — it started out with dearest Peyton at Peet's in Harvard and then when the tension was too intense for me I departed, he stayed, behind the counter, missing me, but still satisfied, and then I walked along the river over the bridge through Kenmore to Trident to spend time with Michael, who looked so lovely today, his pants perfectly outlined his ass, which makes him look no more than 24, and it was quality time, quiet, I don't talk to anyone over there, I have had words with the black woman restaurant manager in the afternoon, but perfunctory, just saying hello, noting that we are in the same space, several times a week, distant but friendly. Michael and I never speak, maybe come winter.

On the other hand, Peyton and I have had quite a few words now, not so much on my end, but the other day he complimented my ravishing wide wale corduroy pink jacket — which I think is too much, honestly, and I'm about 20 years too old to be shopping at Urban, but such is — anyway, Peyton, who has the face of an alien, really narrow, scary narrow, Peyton, a name of economic privilege, I sort of think, though he is working a service job so he is somewhat financially stressed and working hard to fund something that is important to him — anyway, Peyton complimented the jacket and, given that I show up at the store in a different jacket every time, such is my closet — I think his complimenting the pink jacket was kind of his way of saying that he was gay and interested; if I told Peter that, he would disagree, with a laugh and a dismissal, but Peter doesn't communicate like that, despite being an artist, whereas I do, or miscommunicate, and so I think it is potentially on with Peyton. He is probably Michael's age, though I would say that Michael seems quite a bit more mature, Peyton has the type of immaturity that I would associate with the massively compromised masculinity of Trevor, but anyway: I'm much too wary after the Patrick debacle to really make the move on a service employee, however much I like Peyton, and feel close to him while I'm in the store, and it will be up to him to be a bit more explicit with me, next time (strike out this morning, though it was nonetheless quality time for the two of us) —

The same will have to go with Michael, who I feel really close to, weirdly, for no particular reason, I don't think we've ever spoken, I can't remember, it seems like he has been at the store forever, I think I remember him from years ago, but anyway: I won't ask him out; it's too risky, and if he says no, or isn't sure how to properly handle a friendly come on from an eligible man, then it will be awkward at the store, and I like the bar, and the space, and I don't want to risk it; that said, obviously all risks seem reasonable for Michael, I like him so much, for no particular reason, such as these things go; maybe he will ask me out, but perhaps that is considered bad form for the server, I don't know the rules, i think maybe it would have been looked down upon at the restaurants I worked at while I was in school; but they should be rather lax at a store like Trident, but I'm sure Michael doesn't want to compromise his job, and he's right not to do that; he is stunning, though, I'm not sure what it is, part of it is that his posture is erect, he moves swiftly and efficiently, and he's calm; he works hard without striving; it's a bit of the inverse of Patrick, who really was making an effort, sexy as that all was to me. I am fascinated by men and their labor. It's very clear that Michael is smart, he has that look, and I think that is one element of a person — intelligence, aesthetic, sensibility — that is quite accessible visually, at a distance.

The newly revamped "Dear Patrick" link list is a vast improvement; he should find it next week; I can't believe he shaved his head, he looks like a cantaloupe.

Dear Jackals at Joe's American Bar & Grill,

Which of you came up with the dickbag idea of making "America" the theme of your restaurant? Good show. How does it go over in France?

Andy Pink

The Patrick book could be printed by May, at which time I will mail it to him at both school and the store; if I can get it together to pull it together, and if I can defer work on the manifesto, which so far has been a relief, then he will receive it before he leaves for the summer. It will be a good, short novel, and it will capture that story in all of its sorry inaccuracies, not least of which is his own gaze in quite a distorted mirror for a man who is smart enough to see it clearly.

Classes have sucked this semester, at both Berklee and Emerson, and I am considering taking my ball and going home, to a guy for once.

Love Andy