Jeff, Tucker

dearest readers, it's andy q pink —

I have moved the pervert-schizoid-woman site from the downgraded/commercial free hosting back to its old hosting under a new domain (www.andyqpink.com) — I will have to do some new work on the site — making it more pinkish than bookish — which I will do soon, possibly from my newish location at the peet's coffee in harvard square, with the sweet, pudgy jonathan as my secondary concern. I switched the domain because I got a free new domain with the hosting and so I dropped my payment for the old domain and took up this new one. check it if you have time, it's about the same, but given that there are like 1,000 pages to the site there is still a lot to (re)see.

after my return — during which I made no posts — I have had a tangled and twisted (distressing) relationship to molly's death, and now feel guilty about the whole affair, mostly because I could not solve any of the problems that were extremely distressing and overwhelming to her, the several factors that I think caused her death. the whole thing is so painful that I am unable to help my mother publish her book of poems about molly. my uncle will help with the publishing — he is his own publisher, and of many books — and I think that will be fine, it will in fact be easier for her and I won't have to be involved. the format of the book — the product — will be better looking and more polished, and I think this work deserves that.

the boys are mostly a distant memory. mason is long gone, as is rich despite my efforts at the end of may, and so I basically have to start over, with a serious possibility with tucker from okc, even without my epic (obsessive) profile, which I am no longer sharing except with purchase of that book. i have found some regrettable errors in a couple of the previously published books which is bothering me and I am trying to figure out — now that my former computer has been thrown away in the trash bin — how to republish the manuscript without the word files to edit. I have been told to try a ocr application (i have a scanner) but that itself costs money and I'm not sure I want to spend the money to correct a few errors in a couple of the books. but I want to do it. I'll probably save for the software and then try to do what will be a difficult job. I am annoyed that the files were not saved on the original publishing software or on amazon but there is nothing i can do about that.

my new computer is amazing and I am no longer throwing things out, indiscriminatingly and madly. I sold a couple of books to the wolves.

i am lonely. i have people around me but i still am looking (needing) a guy to truly make me happy and fill an absence, even if I have the books to make me happy, to occupy my time, to be objects of cathexis, etc. but I miss mason and rich, am uncertain about jonathan and tucker, and so I am at a loss, as usual. dan seems distant, sarah and rachel are close, and so I will have to settle for those, plus miller and my mom, and connie who is not doing well and who i don't seem to be able to cheer up properly.

I took jeff to the fenced in dog park by kendall this morning and I think he was really happy there. he did a couple of mad runs around the track, but mostly sniff'd it up around the fences and by the trees, he is adorable, still incorrigible on the leash, but a happy dog. I have ignored him a bit during the past 3 weeks during my depression and distress about Molly, but I think I am mostly back now and we have spent a lot of time together yesterday and today, requiring that I take some time off from the book. I'd really like to get back into working on the website — which I haven't made any changes to since the run on rich — but I don't know where to start and I've probably lost my creative touch with wix dot com.

my health seems well, haven't had any symptoms since I said goodbye to the wolves, and so I'm hoping for a long run without any shenanigans. I was obviously a bit manic when I serenaded rich outside of 1369 but since that - and a bit of residual effects while with the wolves — I seem mostly fine.

I gained about 7 lbs during my recent distress and so I am on a frozen fruit and treat a day diet and am hoping to take that off in the next month, a bit before thanksgiving. I am tired of my body — so is everybody else as far as I can tell — and so I will try not to be obsessive about this. I still look good, even if most of my small slim outfits are a bit tight as of late.

love andy p, now at www.andyqpink.com — who knew I had a middle initial!

me and my cross: